My Narcissistic World!


I haven’t had much to say lately… Okay that’s a lie, I have had a lot to ‘say’ but nothing to write.

My life, as always, has been a strange fusion of chaos and calamity still somehow causing extreme bouts of boredom. Perhaps it is the chaos itself that I am bored of… because despite all the chaos that constantly surrounds me, I find my life very mundane. Sure there are chores to do, children to care for and other important items that should be complete, but let’s be serious these things are not there to humor me, they have been put in place simply to drive me nuts. Even in the midst of catastrophe, which occurs often in my life, I am not overly entertained.

I think I need a hobby, or a crap load of money, wine and illegal narcotics… something, because as of late, even my imagination seems to have fallen asleep at the wheel, and my ability to amuse myself has been lost among the endless loads of dirty laundry.

In an ideal world I would travel, I would visit exotic lands. I would write books that would change people’s lives, and tour with Oprah as she battles to change the world.

In an ideal world I would have a nanny, a housekeeper and a chef. I would have a well stocked wine cellar and a drunken’ smile plastered on my face.

In an ideal world it would always be summer, because having to bundle up really bums me out. I would live on the beach and I would never have to work again.

In an ideal world I would never be bored like I constantly am, I would have a personal assistant to handle all my problems, and a group of others whose sole purpose is simply finding ways to keep me amused.

In an ideal world I would have top of the line electronics, robotic appliances and fancy cars. I would have breakfast in Paris, lunch in Hawaii and Dinner in Italy.

In an ideal world I would have a private jet, and my own petting zoo. (With people to care for the animals of course) I would have a walk-in closet the size of a small house and the perfect clothes to fill it, my shoes and bags would have their own room, and my kids would have their own private wing!

Sure, I’m a little narcissistic, but Hell it’s MY ideal world and I’ll enjoy it the way I want to!!!

Back to Sanity… I mean School!


Well there is less than a week until school starts and as usual I am not prepared at all… In fact, I am nowhere near ready. This years disorganization takes the cake in comparison to any other year before it. I am not known for my strong organization skills, and I am in fact known well as ‘procrastination queen’ (as well as drama queen, queen bitch, and spoiled princess)

This year I have somehow managed to completely and utterly out do myself and have managed to completely avoid any of the regular ‘back to school’ activities in the hopes that this ‘to-do list’ would somehow complete itself… Yet, it has not!

Now don’t get me wrong, I am über exited for school to begin again, I am a firm believer that summer vacation is far too long for kids. Even with only one of the two kids I own being in school, the return of classes brings much peace in to my home. No seriously, the contrast is astounding… and yet instead of being prepared and ready to ship my son off to grade three with a smiling face and a waiting bubble bath (for me) I have procrastinated yet again and left all of the major things until the last-minute. Now with less than a week until the start of classes panic is setting in and I have NOTHING!

My ‘Back-to-school To-Do List‘ is lengthy, and I can’t figure out where I am supposed to begin. I am positing it here in the hopes that one of my readers has a ‘back-to-school’ fairy I may be able to borrow for a day or two to tick some of these pesky tasks off this dreadful list….

Back-to-school To-Do

  1. Register C for new school
  2. Figure out where new school is so I can register C
  3. Figure out where new home is, so I can find out where new school is, so I can register C…
  4. Find new home…. (Yup this is procrastination at its finest)
  5. Purchase back-to-school items such as; Back pack, paper, pencils, binders, etc… (Honestly, Walmart should deliver!)
  6. Search out and purchase two, Yes! TWO, pairs of shoes for C (Shoe shopping with a boy is a pain in the ass in the first place, let alone show shopping for TWO pairs of shoes!!)
  7. Grocery shop for school lunch items that will not have Child Services at your door the first day back… (Note: Schools frown upon chocolate spread, cookies, candy and pop… Apparently lunch is supposed to be ‘healthy’ and promote good eating habits! This all stems back to some Sally Sue and her stupid organic garden I am sure!!!)
  8. Win the lottery… so I can find said house, purchase said items, go grocery shopping for these stupid ‘healthy organic items’ and find the new school so I can register C…
You know… On second thought, screw the fairy… I think I might need a whole team of them to tackle this list!!!

The To-Do Fairies... Helping battle lists since before lists existed!!

Why is it I don’t get a magical godmother? Honestly if anyone is deserving of a crazy lady with a wand its me, not these spoiled brats in cartoons that live in castles and whine about having to mop floors….

This is likely the Fairy God Mother I would end up with... it's just my luck!!

I know all this is my fault, I am a procrastinator and I am aware that it is an issue… But seriously people who have addiction problems get a break, people who have stealing problems get a break, My God even Tiger Woods (the sex addict) gets a break… Can’t I get a ‘Lazy Person’ Break????
Anyway… If you happen to have a team/army/or group of Fairies locked away in your closet/basement/dungeon, and you are not using them at the moment, PLEASE send them my way… I will PAY you for them… Tomorrow… Or maybe Next week….
Cheers!

Inspired to Challenge Myself Creatively…


*Re-blogged From: Complicated Chaos*

 

I have decided that I need to, not only expand on this site, but on my creative writing as well, thus the content of this post….

Today as I was stumbling around WordPress I came across a site that inspired me to challenge myself. Elisa Michelle ofelisamichelle.wordpress.com wrote a post about her currentFlash Fiction Challenge as well as a second challenge she has decided to face in the month of July.

Not knowing much about what Flash Fiction is, I read on, as she explains Flash Fiction is a story with normal plot elements (exposition, rising action, climax and resolution) condensed into 55 – 1000 words. This got me thinking, and searching the internet, and led to me reading a wide variety of Flash Fiction stories.

Seeing as I want to expand on my creative writing, but don’t see to have much free time these days, I decided that this would also be a great way to challenge myself as a writer to explore my creative abilities, while not overwhelming, or forcing myself, to write at length when I don’t have the available time.

And so, I have decided that I will take inspiration from Elisa Michelle and challenge myself to my ownFlash Fiction challenge for July. Though I can not ‘promise’ I will be able to post every single day, I am going to aim to write at least 20 Flash Fiction stories throughout July and post them on Complicated Chaos (my personal creative writing site) and Perfectly Prompted under the new ‘Creative Writing‘, ‘Flash Fiction Challenge’ categories.

This “challenge” is a very new thing for me, and the stories I produce are not guaranteed to be any good, but it is a way to encourage myself to write and be creative.

Stay tuned for tonight’s post, the first of my Flash Fiction Challenge stories, that I hope will open my mind and get me in a creative writing habit.

Check out some of the Flash Fiction postings at Zenvirus.com to get a clear idea of what Flash Fiction is all about…

Technologically Speaking


MSI laptop computer

Image via Wikipedia

I need to be honest, I never ‘actually’ realized how much my life revolves around my computer until recently. Yes, I am aware that I spend a large amount of time online doing “one thing or another” but I what I was not aware of was how much I rely on the internet for entertainment. My computer was out of commission last week and I have to say I was a bit more ‘lost’ than I expected to be. A large amount of my day is spent online, reading, writing, or simply socializing with other. As well as learning many new and interesting things. I expected some withdrawal, of course, but I can honestly say that ‘some‘ withdrawal quickly became an understatement… at least at first anyway. Life (a week and a half)without my computer was hard, but it taught me a few things; things about myself, my life, and the world we live in….

What I didn’t learn online:

  • I am a basket-case without an internet connection – The first few days without a computer were a complete and utter shock to my system. I sat at the desk where my computer had been and simply stared at the empty space that had once held my beloved laptop. I was lost, I admit it, sad as it sounds I truly did not know what to do with myself while not online. Much time was spent simply staring into thin air with the slight hope that somehow, someway, this was all a bad dream. There may even have been a few tears shed…
  • It is very difficult for me to function without Google – I never realized how much I rely on Google to handle my day-to-day issues. There were questions my children asked that I couldn’t answer, phone numbers and addresses that I was unable to find. Dinners that bordered on ‘prison food’ standards from lack of recipes, medical issues and strange symptoms that could not be diagnosed, and a number of other tasks that never got done all because I am a Google whore! Yes, I said it… Loud and proud… I Google EVERYTHING!!
  • I can almost guarantee that I suffer from adult ADHD – I love reading. In fact, most of my time online is spent reading one site or another on various topics of interest, but how often I actually finish reading a site is a question I fear I should not answer… The beauty of the internet is that information is created for fast consumption. I can easily get the point without having to go very in-depth, reading a book on the other hand requires attention that I seem to have lost at some point in the recent past!
  • My kids are quite annoying – When I have nothing to distract me, my children are actually quite annoying to deal with… This ‘in your face, look at me non-sense’ that seems to have started the minute my laptop left the house, was all a bit much for me to be honest with you… and though our ‘family time’ was fun, it was truly exhausting.
  • My house is a mess – Once my eyes adjusted and were able to take in what was around them, (instead of being set to see through the glare of the screen) I realized that my house is a ‘pigsty’ I will say that in the days that the computer I got far more housework accomplished… I wonder if there is a connection!
  • It is really nice outside – Once you get up and get out in the sun, it is actually quite pleasant… Some would even say “Summer-like” but that would be impossible… I mean time couldn’t really pass me by like that now could it???
  • My family is actually amusing – Once I recovered from the initial shock I suppose I actually started to enjoy the disconnection from the world. I spent time with my family, enjoyed the outdoors, read a book (well parts of a book anyway) and even picked up a pen to write.. I can not even remember the last time I wrote with a pen! I learned that my family is actually somewhat amusing at times, and even a bit fun!
  • Boredom makes me miserable – Despite the fact that I got over the computer being gone, despite the fact that I even embraced it being gone by the end, I still learned that when I get bored I become a ‘bitch’. I require constant amusement and no one can provide that like my trusty little laptop…. People have their own emotional needs that just don’t work in my favor!
I must say, though I didn’t like not having a computer, I did appreciate the extra time I had when not online. I used the phone instead of Facebook and actually heard friends voices for the first time in a while. I got a lot done…. And you know, once my computer was back I didn’t even miss it all that much! Now that it is here and I am sitting on it I decided that I would make myself a pact… Though I love my computer and there is soooo.. much on the net that I want to see and read, I also want to enjoy my life, my family and myself… Thus I will not sacrifice time in real-life, for time online!
Take time each day to enjoy the world you live in, learn to appreciate the simple things in life. All that is online will be there later, those that are in your life may not….
– K8 
Cheers!

Life For Sale!


Oh to the woes of the drama that is my life… Time for an update on the state of the ‘home’ front…

As you all know we have moved around a lot in the last few months. It seems every house we find presents a new set of stresses we have to face, the new house is no different, though this stress was completely unexpected…

Our new house was fantastic, still is actually, aside from a few little things. The layout of the home is perfect, the price is right, and the area is one that enhances our family lifestyle. Things here are good…

The house we rented holds 3 apartments, One in the basement where Big C‘s friend resides, and one up above, we rent the entire main floor. The apartment up above was home to a quiet man who was rarely home, thus giving me no fear of the issues we faced at our last apartment with the elephants upstairs. Unfortunately, the man upstairs also faced his own set of demons, and recently passed away. Apparently having been sick for a long time, and facing the chaos of a ‘hoarder’ lifestyle he chose to commit suicide… No not in the apartment above Thank-God! Needless to say, he will no longer live upstairs….

His death is a sad fact and I feel bad for his family, who appeared to tackle his ‘hoarder’ home. Now he did not hoard garbage, but rather just ‘stuff’ lots and lots of stuff… Just like the Television show, there were small pathways to walk and the rest was all stuff….

Now I know that this must have been overwhelming for his family, they must have been in complete shock, but how they have gone about it is probably the strangest thing I have ever seen, and is the topic for this post…

Most people would face this obstacle with the intent to complete a task. Especially a family who has arrived from other parts of the country and lives nowhere near this man’s home. This family has not done anything like that… Here is what they did do…

Seeing the large amount of stuff in this home one would think you would simply want to get it all out, and out of the way, but NO these people have spent the last two months sorting each and every paper, item, and box and gathered up a large pile of trash, that now sits in the driveway of my home!

Please understand I don’t want to sound cold-hearted, or insensitive but read further and I am sure you will understand…

Not only have these people spent months going through these items, they do so at all hours of the night… which is not even the biggest issue, though it is an annoyance in itself… The biggest issue is that they have also been having Garage Sales Daily for that period of time… and not just Garage Sales, in the tense that a Garage Sale is usually done (Eg: weekends, daylight hours, Cheap deals on cool stuff, etc…) They have had REGULAR Garage Sales from morning through night…. Often times still out in the driveway at midnight haggling people for cash….

Now I understand that they have faced a death, and the death of a hoarder at that.. They have a large amount of items to dispose of, and usually a Garage Sale is the easiest way. Though in this case I would have recommended that they locate an auctioneer and go about removing it all that way, as much of it is usable stuff… But they have opted to have Garage Sales Daily instead….

Now, Let me tell you why this is a problem….

a) It is occurring daily from morning till night. Not just on the weekends or during daytime hours as normal people would do…

b) The pile of garbage that this constant “sale” has created is now taking over my side yard… I am sure it is a haven for rats, rodents and stray cats… You may remember my ‘run-in’ with stray cats

c) They are not cutting deals as a normal Garage Sale would do… In fact, they are trying to charge ‘Top Dollar” for a bunch of old, though useful, stuff…
Here is a conversation I overheard:
“I’ll give you $20 for that drill.”
“Well that drill costs $59.99 at Canadian Tire, so I want $50 bucks”
“If the drill is $59.99 at Canadian Tire Why would I give you $50 bucks? I can just go there and spend 10 bucks more to get a warranty and a box!”
“$50 bucks or no sale…”
****Customer walks away**** 

d) There is a city By-Law that clearly states a household is only allowed ‘2 Garage Sales per year’ This means that the hope of me having a Garage Sale later this summer to clear out my clutter has now been washed down the drain… Today the city By-Law officer showed up to take pictures and serve notice of this By-Law… Actually it made my day. I have recently decided that if it happened one more day I was going to call the city… But someone clearly beat me to it… He took pictures of the Garbage pile too!

e) Endless Garage Sales = Endless people… This also mean that my kids have not been able to go outside…. though these people have tried to tell me different I am not comfortable with my children running around with 50+ strangers standing in my driveway! It is just unsafe!

f) Garage Sales usually occur in the ‘garage’, since we have no garage they are occurring in our driveway. This fact means that no one can get in or our and my kids can’t ride their bikes….

You can see where the problem lies…

Now these people are still at it… even today in the pouring rain they outside sorting through stuff. I am sure that the moment the clouds part they will be setting up and I think that will be the moment that I break… I can respect that they have suffered a loss, and I even feel pity for the difficult task they have had to face… (Keep in mind that this man also had a storage unit full of things and so they have been renting a U-Haul truck, that has also been parked in my driveway for two months, to help house all this junk.) But there comes a point where enough is enough and my sadness for their loss no longer outweighs the suffering they are causing my family and my home… Hence the breaking point should they happen to attempt to set up today!

We tried to address this issue with our landlord, unfortunately he doesn’t live here, so he just does not care. The city seems to understand though at least that is good!

What would you do in this situation? How would you react? Keep in mind that these people have still not shown any sign of leaving although each day they say “This sale is their last” 

??????

The Ongoing Outrageousness that is Our Life…


My God, time has been flying by the last few days. With the sun shining bright and the weather getting warmer my life has been an endless outdoor adventure and I have found little time to do much else. Let me update you on the happenings of our household….

With the weather being nice as it has been the last few days have been spent exploring the city we relocated to in January. We have not had a chance to get out and see where we live due to hectic schedules, lack of funds and poor weather, so this last week has been rather enjoyable for me. We have taken to hoping on the subway with no set destination, we choose a subway station to exit at and we set out to explore. This blind travel has taught me many things about the city I now live in. Toronto, Ontario is a ‘huge’ city with a population of over 2.5 million people there is no such thing as silence. It is also a beautiful city to both visit and live in. The thing about Toronto that amazes me the most is the beauty it holds all around it. You can be walking along a busy city street and you simply need to turn a corner to get a “small town” feel. You can wander down quiet residential streets, with tiny shops and friendly people and within moments you can step back into the chaos that is “big city” living… It truly is a diverse place to live. There is a ton of greenery in this city and amazing outdoor adventures and areas to explore. With ample amounts of trails and forests, a thriving beach front, and even a great island (easily accessible by ferry) Toronto is the city of never-ending exploration.. Every time we step out the door we are off on a new adventure. Even when we are tight on fund there is some much for us to see and do here… I am starting to feel like I am home.

Because of these fantastic adventures I have not been able to accomplish much else, blog posts included… Though a lot of interesting things have happened:

We made our first attempt at moving L into a big girl bed… This attempt failed miserably. I have one of those great “convertible” cribs that save you a ton of cash in the long run. This ‘super’ crib converts from a crib to a toddler bed and then to a double bed later down the road. It is a quality piece that usually costs a pretty penny (around $350 Canadian) but the frugal shopper that I am, I managed to score this amazing solid wood crib for $50 bucks!!! In turning it into a toddler bed the process is rather simple, you simply need to remove 4 screws and lift off the lower side. Easy as pie… Now getting your child to adapt to this simple change is often the challenge.. L was ecstatic at first. She was content for hours climbing in and out of her ‘big girl’ bed and even had her nap in it peacefully without an issue. She was even more content when she woke up and realized she could just climb out and come find Mommy and Daddy… which she did, with a big smile on her face! But sometime around 6 O’clock in the evening L decided she wanted nothing to do with this amazing new bed, and fought tooth and nail at bed time… 4 hours and a whole lot of screaming, crying attempts later the rail was (not as easily) placed back on the bed, converting it back into the crib that comforted her to sleep in seconds. Attempt one… unsuccessful! We will try again later in the month.

Besides L and her ongoing antics, Lil’ C has been doing well. I must say I have been a very proud Mama lately with numerous compliments on how well-behaved he is, and his latest school tests which have resulted in all A’s. Yep, I must say I am ecstatic! The funny thing is I was starting to get a big worried about Lil’ C. At 7 (almost 8 years-old) my son was starting to seem a little slow (‘Not the brightest crayon in the box, or a few fries short of a Happy meal, kind of slow) Constantly forgetful Lil’ C lives in Lala land where everything is perfect and the roads are made of chocolate… Every sentence he spoke seemed to get stupider and stupider… until lately, I don’t know he just seems to have matured overnight. Don’t get me wrong, we still have moments when we look at him like a little mad man and wonder “what the hell” he was thinking when he opened his mouth to speak, but those moments are getting to be a lot less common in the recent weeks. We have not had to remind him to brush his teeth once in the last 2 months and all his school work is showing that he is learning well.

I think I am most proud of his marks. Before our recent move to the city, the school had shown worry that he was not learning at an age appropriate pace. This was especially true when it came to his reading, it worried me a lot. Lil C loves to read, and like his Mama he is constantly writing stories, journals, or poems… He has even recently stated that he wants to start his own Blog (Note the huge smile on my face) But up until the move his writing and reading was well below what you would expect from a Grade 2 student… and no amount of help from me seemed to be doing any good. Yet since relocating to the city things seemed to have changed… Lil C’s first math test home from his new school was scary… He managed to get a rather unimpressive 9 out of 43!! I was devastated… In fact I even cried… Until I looked at the test and realized a few things: First the questions on this test were “Hard“… It shocked me to see the complete difference in level between the new city and our old town.. C had never even seen math like this before, let alone attempted to complete it on his own.. and Secondly the answers themselves were only wrong because his numbers were switched around… Now at first this realization was scary… Dyslexia is a very difficult thing for anyone to deal with, but after talking to his teacher and monitoring his writing this was ruled out…

Quickly going over the order of numbers with him and a little practice this issue has been almost totally solved. Back to the first realization I set out to show Lil C how this “big boy” math was done (Thank God for Google… Math has never been my strong suit. They say a person is either good at English or Math, rarely both… English is more my cup of tea.) Once I had shown Lil C the process and basics of this math his little world changed.. You could almost see the light bulb turn on in his head! I won’t lie, It was not fun and games.. I can honestly say that it is a good thing I never became a teacher, because there was swearing, a bit of yelling, and at one point a pencil was broken out of frustration… but he finally got it all figured out…

Since then every Math test that has come home has been adorned with a great big A and a fancy “Good Job” sticker, as have all the other tests that have come home for me to see… Science, Math, Social Studies and Language test are proudly displayed on our fridge.. The $1 incentive for each A he brings home has been a big help (and is also starting to cost me big bucks) 

So Yes I am a Proud Mama at the moment with an amazing Genius little boy. His reading skills have raised by over 16 levels (books are marked by letters or numbers and Lil C has gone up from a 9 to a 30 in the last 2 months… It truly is amazing) and his writing skills are noticeably better now than they have ever been. My brilliant boy is well on his way to becoming an award-winning writer at this rate. The difference is unexplainable, as is my happiness in light of it, I truly am starting to feel like this was a good move.

Lil’ C is also very happy. Most of his days are spent outside playing with all his friends. He has more freedom here in the big city than he ever did in our old town… and he loves our little adventures and all there is to explore.

And so… you now know why I have been slacking. I have had good excuse… But since today is a colder day I figured I would catch you up on our exciting adventures and all the changes we have had… Rest assured that my blog is not the only thing that has suffered… I must end this post now as I have an entire house that desperately needs to be cleaned!!!

Cheers!

An Irresistibly Sweet Start to a Sunny Sunday…


My Sunday started off on a very positive note. I received an email from a fellow blogger informing me that she had something for me on her site. Curious I wandered over to GhostWriter a great WordPress site at https://1wordywoman.wordpress.com and saw that I had been given an award for my blog!!!

I was overjoyed! What an amazing honor, and a great way to close the weekend. Thanks Marantha I really appreciate this more than you know. This award is called “The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award” and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I have been lacking inspiration lately and was even considering shutting down my Random Musings site to move on to new adventures…. This award made me change my mind. Every writer enjoy’s knowing that people actually read their blogs or writings. I am no different. I needed this reminder, especially today, as motivation to keep writing. I love seeing that people are enjoying my posts and that what I write is affecting them in some way. So once again I must say Thanks you from the bottom of my heart.

As with all awards there are rules involved with my acceptance. First I must link back to the person that sent it to me, and so if you have not had a chance to check out GhostWriter here on WordPress you must do so right now. Marantha is an amazing writer who is inspiring and open hearted. She has a way with words and is just a kind-hearted soul. Go check out her blog and get inspired by her writing.

The next thing I am supposed to do in acceptance of this award is list seven things about myself… So here it goes:

  • I don’t feel like the ‘grown-up’ that I am supposed to be. I think perhaps I am a teenager stuck inside a grown-up’s body!
  • I never wanted children and now I have two… and though I wouldn’t change that for the world, I often worry that I am a terrible mother.
  • I love writing. It is my way of dealing with my emotions and releasing the stress of the day.
  • When I was younger I wanted to be a singer… I can’t carry a tune now to save my life as I have smoked for several years.
  • I currently post to 3 different blogs. One of which is more ‘private’ in nature and was created to help me find Who I am inside..
  • I am an overly creative person and I often allow my imagination to get the best of me.
  • I currently have no idea what I want to do with my life….

And lastly I am supposed to pass this award on to 15 writers that I believe are deserving of such notice… Below is my list:

http://thypolarlife.wordpress.com/
Always entertaining, often funny, and a very kind-hearted person. Check out her blog it is a great read.

http://experification.wordpress.com/
An amazing writer with an open mind and a way with words. Another great site to check out.

http://letmestartbysaying.wordpress.com
Fun, Funny, and great to follow. A little something for everyone here.

http://loveaddictnyc.com/
Follow a love addicted journey through NYC.

http://aayoung.wordpress.com/
Poetry from the heart.

http://motherhensnest.wordpress.com/
Always a good time, and ample amounts of wisdom.

http://bigsheepcommunications.wordpress.com/
Interesting and entertaining.

http://todayithink.wordpress.com/
Honesty and openness a refreshing read that is ever evolving.

http://whyamihereinahandbasket.com/
Wildly entertaining.

http://motherhoodwtf.com/
Guaranteed to make you giggle.

http://toohotmamas.wordpress.com/
Yet another great site you must check out.

http://sloopie72.wordpress.com/
Worth checking out.

http://inosculation.wordpress.com/
Great writing about simple things.

http://thehindsightletters.com/
Interesting and inspirational.

http://torinelson.wordpress.com/
Hours of entertainment.

And there you have it, all of those listed above are amazing and talented writers that help to inspire and entertain me each day. If you have not had a chance to view these sites I highly suggest that you do so. Take some time to kick back, relax and enjoy a good read… you are guaranteed to get one with these blogs.

To everyone else that I failed to list, I appreciate your writing as well. There are far too many talented writers both on WordPress and other sites, to list that constantly create amazing posts and regularly make me smile.

Once again a great big Thanks to Marantha over at GhostWriter for bestowing this award upon me today. You truly are an amazing woman and I appreciate your kind words and your amazing writing.

Cheers!

Close Your Eyes and Scream…


I have a wild imagination, I always have. Even as a child I was always dreaming up crazy ideas, strange new worlds, and amazing adventures. This wild imagination was the source of many great stories, it was also the cause of many great dreams, fantasies, and even nightmares

I have always been a vivid dreamer, I can usually wake up and remember what my dreams were about in very specific detail. In the past my dreams have been so realistic at times that I can smell and feel in them with such clarity that it is sometimes hard to distinguish what is real from what is a dream. It is because of this wild imagination, and these colorful, lifelike dreams that I have had to endure a lifetime of equally realistic nightmares.

I remember these nightmares from when I was a child. The fear and anxiety they would often bring. These dreams back then were often about animals or fantasy creatures. I remember one recurring dream about a bear killing my grandmothers dog right in front of my eyes. I recall seeing the dogs paw chopped up and placed on a platter outside the window from where I was hiding. In this dream the bear was attacking me and the dog came to my rescue, only to be defeated while saving my life. This dream plagued me for years, though it is silly to think about now, at the time it was frightening.

Of course as I have grown I have experienced less of these nightmares, though once in a while I will suffer from one. After the birth of my son I had constant dreams of him being kidnapped. Dreams that someone came to steal him in the night. Horrible dreams where I would be searching frantically for him in the dark, knowing that he was gone. These dreams are always disturbing, but thankfully it is easy to reassure yourself that this was just a dream with the simple act of opening your child’s bedroom door.

Other dreams have not been so easy to forget….

Just last night I have a vivid and horrifying dream that two men in masks were outside my window. When I saw that these men had guns I ducked, but my hubby was shot. Crawling across the floor I made it to my sons room and pulled him from his bed. I ran across the hall to my daughter and found she was still asleep.. Not wanting her to wake and start screaming my son and I huddled under her bed. One of the men came into her room, all I could see was his feet. He came towards her crib and leaned down towards her… In my dream I had a knife that I had grabbed on my way past the kitchen. I took this knife and reached out from under the bed cutting this man’s Achilles tendon (the back of his foot) blood sprayed everywhere.  I climbed out from under the crib, the masked man was screaming in pain and my daughter had awakened and was screaming as well. I grabbed the man’s gun and headed down the hall, the man in my daughter room was unable to stand or run because I had cut the back of his feet, so I set out to find the second masked man… who saw me coming with gun in hand and fled through the front door. I ran over to my hubby who was bleeding badly on the floor and I called 911. In my dream I knew he was going to die and I felt rage building deep inside of me.. I could smell the tin scent of his blood and felt the wetness on my hands. I returned to my daughter’s room… BTW I had taken my children and hidden them in the closet if you are wondering… the man I had cut was lying on the floor withering in pain. Anger took over me and as he reached up his hand I shot him… Satisfied that he was dead, and hearing the police sirens in the distance I reached down to remove his mask…

That is when I woke up! I never got to see his face, that frustrates me…

Now, although I am a grown-up and I know this was only a dream, it was frightening. It was frightening because it used all my senses… my dreams always seem to do that. I could feel fear, smell blood, feel the sticky wetness of it on my finger tips. I could feel my hubby’s short breaths on my face as I bent down to listen to his heart. I could feel my children’s fear and panic as they realized what was happening in their home where they were supposed to be safe. I could truly ‘feel’ the overwhelming rage when I realized that my hubby was going to die, and I could feel the strength of the gun and the spray of blood as I shot the man lying on the floor. Every sensation was real, I could feel it as if it was happening in reality. It is a scary and uncontrollable feeling.

Now that I am grown it is rare that I wake from one of these dreams and still feel fear. I have a wild imagination, but I have logic as well. I can easily console myself and I am aware of the reality around me. As a child though, nightmares can scare you to no end and it can take a long while before you are able to realize that what you saw, felt, and sensed in your dream was not actually part of reality. It can be confusing, I remember that fear, but now I am grown and I know the difference between a dream and life…

The only thing I wonder is why I have these dreams? Who dreams about horrible things like this? Why? What triggers such deep-rooted subconscious fear inside of me? I believe that we dream the things we do for a reason, but what reason could I possibly have for dreaming such horrible and frightening things???

I decided to look up the meaning of some of my dreams…

According to Dreammoods.com the dreams I used to have about my son being kidnapped mean that I am not letting aspects or characteristics of him be expressed within me. That I am trying to contain or suppress his qualities.

The dream about the bear that I used to have regularly could denote aggression, overwhelming obstacles, and competition. It may have meant that I was facing a threatening situation.

As for this dream I looked up Intruders and found no results. Burglary indicates that you are feeling violated or that personal space has been invaded. You feel helpless in some situation or relationship. This could be due to a major change in your life. Give yourself some time to adjust to your new environment. Murder (which cam up as killing) states that: To dream that you kill someone, indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to… Which makes no sense as I have no idea who the man was that I killed. As for my hubby dying in my dream it says: To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore… which is actually quite creepy!

I don’t know that this dream translates so literally, but I do know that it is a disturbing thing for anyone to dream… Why I dream of these horrible things I may never know… but at least I have grown and learned that they are not reality…

Now I will leave you with the thought that I am obviously crazy because I dream of such creepy things, and a few interesting facts about dreams and nightmares:

  • Definition of a nightmare: A nightmare is a terrifying or deeply upsetting dream of particular intensity causing strong feelings of fear, horror and distress.
  • About 5% – 10% of adults have nightmares once a month or more frequently.
  • Nightmares are related either to physiological causes, such as a high fever, or to psychological ones, such as unusual trauma or stress in the dreamer’s life.
  • Recent studies suggest that adults who have frequent nightmares tend to be more open, sensitive and emotional than average.
  • Studies have identified common reported themes in nightmares dreams include situations relating to school, being chased, sexual experiences, falling, arriving late, death, teeth falling out, flying and car accidents.
  • For most Five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 90% is lost.
  • Toddlers do not dream about themselves. In fact they do not appear in their dreams until the age of 3 or 4 years.
  • If you are snoring, you are not dreaming.
  • The original meaning of the word “nightmare” was a female spirit who besets people at night while they sleep.

Crazy Cat-astrophy!


I remember when I was little I was constantly bringing home strays. Stray cats, stray dogs, and even on occasion… stray people. I was a little mother hen always on the look out for then next ‘animal’ in need. One time I even found a flying squirrel and another time it was a baby mole… I certainly was an animal loving child!

Some things change I suppose. Though I am an animal lover now, I love animals a lot more when they are not my responsibility, and are not in my house… But… I still have a thing for caring for strays.

While doing the dishes Thursday evening I heard incessant ‘meowing‘ outside my kitchen window, upon inspection I found a very small, very skinny, very hungry cat sitting outside my window crying for attention and food.

I am not a cat person… not that I don’t like cats, I do, but years of bad allergies and asthma attacks have chipped away at my feline fondness. Even still looking at the skin and bones that was this young cat, who appeared to be either pregnant currently or had just recently given birth to kittens. (who judging by the malnutrition and poor state of health that this cat was in probably didn’t do well, if they had survived at all!) Needless to say, my heart ached for this poor animal who had clearly been abandoned by its original owner in the middle of the of the city and left to fend for itself. (which clearly was not working out so well)

It truly bothers me that a person can leave an animal to suffer the way people often do with cats. Sure, cats may originate from the wild and they are pretty self-sufficient creatures, but years of domestication mean that this animal is not meant to live wild…Especially in the midst of a city where they are unable to hunt and survive. It disgusts me that people can leave a poor little animal to suffer the way these stray cats do without a thought to their needs or a feeling for their lives. But that is an endless battle…

So feeling sorry for this sad excuse for a kitten I gathered some turkey breast and dog food, along with a bowl of water and fed this poor little abandoned animal. Well she gobbled it up instantly… She was clearly starving! After she had her fill of all that I had to give her she decided that we should be friends… Despite her disgusting, filthy, clumped up fur that was caked with grease and mud, she was kind of cute…

I sat and snuggled with her for a few moments, petting her and trying to pull of the excess hair that had clearly never been cleaned.

Now keep in mind here that my family is the proud owners of a very big, very stupid Rottweiler. Kayla is about 3 years old and weighs just over 100 pounds. She is an intimidating dog that often frightens large men, but believes that everyone should love her and be her friend… I joke often that our large dog thinks she is a chihuahua, as she will run up to people, jump up on us when we first come home, or climb up on our laps as we sit on the couch… This dog weighs more than I do, she is a far cry from a poodle!

As I lifted the cat to further inspect its sad state my big beautiful dog came bounding towards us and scared the whiskers off this poor little animal…. Who of course lashed out in fear and ended up injuring “me” instead of her curious attacker!!!

The picture above is the result of me trying to be cat woman and make a poor stray feel happy and loved! It also doesn’t do justice to the injury, which at the moment of impact began pouring blood into my eyes and caused it to immediately swell shut!

Now normally a scratch from a cat would not be cause for alarm in my books, but thanks to my curiosity (aka: Hypochondria)  and the World Wide Web, I discovered that cats carry a large amount of bacteria on their claws and that a simple scratch can lead to dangerous infection and disease…. So… I panicked! (Not immediately though.. It wasn’t until I awoke in the middle of the night and could not open my swollen eye that the fear really set in!)

One walk-in clinic, two prescriptions, and three hours later, I am fine and will not require any major surgery, or suffer from any permanent scaring! Though I did have to get a booster shot just to be safe!

I fell bad, because this incident was clearly not this little cats fault. She did not intentionally set out to harm me. She was simply reacting to a scary situation that I happened to be in the middle of!

I have since made a friend. This little cat has been hovering outside our house, and even managed to sneak inside for a second yesterday! The kids have taken a liking to her, and she seems to have gotten over the dog! I sat outside talking away to her during the sunny afternoon like a crazy cat lady… and although there is no chance of her ever becoming a member of my household I did go buy her some food.. because despite her filth and fur she is a cute harmless little animal, and unlike the heartless owner that abandoned her in the middle of the city I cannot watch anyone suffer!

The lesson out of all this????

No good deed goes unpunished!

Cheers!


The Struggle of Motherhood: The Chaos, The Casualties, and The Contemplation


I suppose it is time that I face the facts:

I am the mother of two insane, though admittedly amazing, children.

For a long time I have lived in a fantasy world with dreams that I would one day wake-up to my old life. I have fought with the unrealistic idea that I would open my eyes one morning  to find that I was back in my old bed, with my old stuff, living my old life, with my old friends, and things would once again be simple and carefree. I have carelessly dreamed that the responsibilities of raising two children would somehow disappear, and I would once again be free to live the flighty shallow life I was once accustomed to  living. These thoughts have been in the back of my subconscious mind for the last 8 years, somehow overshadowing any reality, and hindering my success. I didn’t think them consciously, and I have never said them out loud… I am not that crazy, they are not intentional thoughts! But for a long time I have refused to accept that this is the way things are, life is not going to change over night, and the pressure and chaos of motherhood is not simply going to fade away with the sunrise.

I see now the silliness of my ways. As I said, this was never a conscious thought.. I did not actually believe that I would wake up and find that my entire life for the last 8 years was all a crazy dream. No, of course not. I did not actually think that I would open my eyes one morning to a life where I suddenly had no children and things were responsibility free… In fact, had that actually happened I am sure that I would have been devastated. You see, I love and adore my children more than anything in the world, a despite the fact that they cost me a lot of money, they regularly test my sanity, and raising them is the scariest thing in the world… I wouldn’t trade them for any amount of fame, fortune, or fantasy. But… I have allowed my selfishness to hold me back. I have fought against embracing life for what it is, and I have lived with the hope that things would just get easier….

The truth is… They won’t!

No matter how much I fight against responsibility, no matter how far I run, or how hard I wish, life will always be exactly what it is at this moment!

I think there comes a point in everyone’s life where they must accept that this is the way it is… You can either choose to embrace it, or continue to struggle against it… This is the choice between happiness and struggle.. failure and success… joy and pain… forgiveness and remorse… This is the point I am at right now!

As silly as it sounds I have spent the last 8 years (and probably many more before that) making excuses for why I was not doing what I wanted to do. I have used my children as a crutch against a harsh world, and my fear of failure. I constantly allowed the little voice inside my mind to convince me that life was just too hard, and I gave myself permission to give up and give in!

The reality is, Yes. Life is hard! Life is always going to be hard! With or without my children I will struggle in someway. Perhaps it wouldn’t feel so stressful if I didn’t have the extra mouths to feed, but it would still be a struggle just the same! It is time that I accept life for what it is right now, time that I take responsibility and admit that it is my choices that have brought me where I am today. It is time that I let go of fantasy and make the best of the gifts I have been given. It is time that I stop taking for granted all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and embrace life with open arms. It is time that I accept and assess the way things are, and embrace what I can not control. It is time that I change what I can… and most of all it is time I stop making excuses!

Maybe I don’t like the constant responsibility or caring for two children… but that’s mostly because I am afraid that I will make mistakes. Perhaps it is difficult to make ends meet at times… but no more difficult that it would be on my own. Sure, it might be frightening to accept that these children need me, that they rely on me to be their strength and their guidance, of course that is a frightening thing… Hell, half the time I can’t guide myself to the grocery store , the shower, or even to bed…. but the truth is every parent is scared, not just me! It is time I end this pity party once and for all, time that I take all that I have been given and turn it into the best thing that I possibly can. I have spent 8 years fighting the facts and I will not do this for 8 more… It is time for me to realize that I will never again be carefree, I will never again have a moment where I don’t have to consider someone else’s needs, I will never again have the freedom to run from my fears…

It is time that I accept wholeheartedly that this is exactly the way that life is supposed to be right now, this is exactly what I need.

And so now I will leave you with a thought…

Our choices have brought us all to the place we are right at this moment, and in life we are always given exactly what we need to succeed… Though there may be times of struggle, moments of pain, and plenty of fear… each and every obstacle you face in life was placed there purposely, with the intent to teach you something new. Your life is what you have made it through your choices in the past, and what you opt to make it through your choices each and every day… You can either choose to embrace it or you can continue to fight… This is the choice between happiness and struggle…

Which do you choose today?