Royally Entertained! Oh Yes, I’m gonna go there…

I admit it…..I am among the millions who rose early to watch the beauty and excitement that was The Royal Wedding. I am ‘one of those people‘ that sat in front of the television at 5 a.m. to see a little girls dream come true. I got teary eyed as I watched Kate Middleton step out of the car and walk down the aisle to meet her Prince and live her dream. (every little girls dream actually) I loved the dress, I love the service, I loved the speeches, and the entire affair. In fact, the sheer beauty of it, coupled with her stunning appearance made me decide that I should forgive the bitch for stealing my man and ruining my life…. It’s OK Kate… I see that you two are happy and in love, so…. I forgive you!

Besides I wouldn’t want to have to kiss in front of all those people anyway….(I’m not one for PDA)

What I did NOT like though is the fact that the media is a bunch of gossip hungry vultures that MUST find fault in everything, no matter how perfect the reality was….

Long after the Ceremony was over, and only minutes after their first kiss, I was bombarded on the internet with play-by-play analysis of how the first kiss was reluctant, hands-free and somewhat cold….. ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME????

The entire wedding was flawless, the bride beautiful, no one fainted, vomited, tripped in their high-heels, or shouted out that they were Prince Williams secret mistress and that they were having his bastard child…I would call that success! It was PERFECT! But that’s the media… they NEED to find something that they can pick apart… and when it isn’t there, they simply create it…

Reluctant, Hands-free, Abrupt, Cold, Disconnected…. HONESTLY???

I want to see them stand up there on a balcony in front of millions of people, let alone the billions of others you know are watching on television from the comfort of their homes, and be able to share a passionate kiss without the awkward discomfort that Kate and William must have been feeling.

I completely understand that this wedding was the biggest media event of the year, I also understand the pressure they must have felt to not only ensure that they were happy with the wedding, but to ensure that the media and the billions of viewers were happy as well… they sought perfection… and in my eyes they accomplished their goal.

I truly could not believe that there were headlines on Google claiming that the kiss looked forced, claiming it looked reluctant, and I even stumbled across one blogger who claimed they didn’t look as if they wanted to kiss! (I will not post the link to that blog here because I will not support someone who is clearly just looking for attention by taking an opposing position to EVERYONE else and probably does not actually believe his own ramblings to be true!)

I say Bull-roar I think that they were amazing.. Kate Middleton held herself together far better than any other bride in her position would. Yes, the girl was nervous, of course she was for crying out loud! I would have been passed out on the floor the minute I stepped out on that balcony and saw those millions of people standing there watching me. Actually, I probably would have abandoned my Prince at the alter knowing that my each and every move was going to be so closely scrutinized. I would have been hiding out in Mexico just to avoid the pressure, Prince or Peasant… That stress would have gotten the best of me. I can’t handle the normal stress of day-to-day life half the time, I would have created a media frenzy when I checked into a mental ward!!

It just disgusted me to see the media and people ripping this moment apart all for the slight chance that they might get even MORE attention, to possibly generate even MORE sales than they already were from one of the biggest “Happy” world events since Charles and Dianna… I think the media, and that blogger need to find better things to write about rather than pick apart perfection when there are no flaws to be found….

Now.. Since I forgive Kate Middleton, as I said before, for stealing my man and shattering my dreams.. I wish them all the best and I hope they have a long, happy, and prosperous marriage….


Prince Harry is still available… and he became the better looking of the two anyway….

Until Next Time….

Write On! 

My Dirty Little Secret…

I have a secret… a dirty little secret that I have been keeping to myself for far too long… A secret that I have been hiding from friends and family. Though some of them have seen signs, they may not yet grasp the magnitude of the situation.

I am obsessed, addicted, hooked. I can’t seem to get enough of it… and the thrill it gives me only makes me crave more! Some might call it compulsion, delusion, or infatuation… I call it….

My dirty little secret….

My blog is like the perfect lover!!!

(And we are having a secret affair!)

I am seriously, completely, and utterly in love with blogging. I think about it more than I probably should. I confess I am obsessed, and I’ll tell you why…

Reasons I Love My Blog So Much (and Why It’s The Perfect Lover):

  • It’s reliable – My blog is always there when ever I need it. Like a best friend and lover it is a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, or an understanding ear when I need to vent my frustrations. It always has my back, no matter how outrageous I am being, and it never fails on me when times get tough.
  • It’s trustworthy – If I tell it something in confidence, I can trust that it will not make it a public affair. It keeps my secrets and stores my deepest fears without ever making me feel insecure.
  • It ‘gets’ me – There is a level of understanding there that I can’t get anywhere else in my life. I can speak freely without fear of rejection. I can express my displeasure without fear of hurting feelings, and I can open up my heart with out fear of getting hurt myself. It will not argue with me, or put me down. It allows me comfort and safety to open up and share my whole self.
  • It allows me freedom – No matter where I go it is always there by my side. It allows me to do what I please, when I please, without question. No matter how wayward the idea it is with me 100%.
  • It helps me grow – Through support and reassurance my blog helps me grow. It teaches me things about myself and others on a regular basis without forcing it on me. It shows me things that I would never otherwise have seen and it allows me to connect with others that I would never meet any other way. It is constantly helping me change my perspective on things and it gives me new ideas every time we connect.
  • It is the silent support I so desperately require – Instead of forcing thoughts on me, telling me what I should do, be, or think, it is always there silently ready and willing to listen as I sort my thoughts out on my own. It supports me the without stress that life often offers.
  • It is sensitive to my needs – If I am feeling down it is there to comfort me. On days when I am lazy it does not get mad if I don’t drop by. When I want to spend hours exploring and sharing, it is always ready for me. It understands if things are crazy, and it never seems to mind that there are long periods where my interest are elsewhere altogether. It seems to know what I need, and it waits confidently knowing I will return with stories to share.
  • It boosts my ego – My blog is constantly boosting my ego. It gives me confidence each and everyday. The more I share with it, the better it makes me feel. It reassures me and encourages me to do more. It never brings me down, even on a bad day it always seems to perk me up one way or another, with a good story or a quick laugh.
  • There is solid communication – When I am trying to say just the right thing, in just the right way my blog always helps me get it out. It allows me the ability to communicate my emotions and thoughts with such simple ease. It connects me to the world and opens my imagination, helping me reach people and places I could only dream of before.
  • It requires little effort on my part – It needs no attention, it does not ask that I give up myself or my interests to please it. It never nags me for more of my time, or a deeper effort, it knows that I do my best with what I have. When I am slacking it gently reminds me that it is there if I need it, without pressuring me to drop what I am doing and focus on it.
  • My husband is not jealous – My husband is comfortable with my love affair. There is no tension or discomfort, and though he may not understand my need, he understands my reason. He does not interject or involve himself and he is comfortable with the relationship I have formed…. and that my friends is the best part!

Be Mine….. Valentine!

After reading a Valentines post over at Lori Dyan’s Blog I decided that I would pound out a love post of my own.

Valentines Day has never been my strong point. Living with unrealistic views of romance inspired by Disney Movie lies, I have always longed for a knight in shining armour to arrive on a stallion and sweep me off my feet. I have held images of flowers, fancy dinners, and diamond rings in my mind for as long as I can remember, and I have always been disappointed…..

I am admittedly a hopeless romantic, in the sense that I want romance but I don’t want to have to do any of the work. I have had high expectations of Valentine’s Day my whole life and these dreams have never become a reality… I understand the consumerism that this holiday is built around, I understand that it does not take diamonds to profess your true love, I even understand that I (with my idealistic imagination) put far too much faith in the men in my life…. and so I let these dreams fade as the years passed by.

Today, two kids and many years later I have a different desire on Valentines Day. Now, instead of flowers, (that will wither and die) fancy dinners (that will digest and be forgotten) and chocolates (that will cause cavities) I expect much simpler things…. The best gifts I could ever receive on Valentines Day are…..

  • Time to myself – If I don’t have to get the kids ready for school, make dinner, or do even one of the other 2000 boring things that I do each and everyday, I am a happier person. The simple act of allowing me to sit and relax is one of the best gifts I could ever receive.
  • A unstressful dinner – Hand in hand with time to myself, if you cook me a nice meal (or any meal) I am a happy mama.. Cooking dinner is the most stressful time of the day for me. It seems to be the time when the kids don’t want to entertain themselves, the phone starts ringing, and everything starts going wrong. If you can take that from me, I am yours for life…. plus food is the easiest way to my heart!
  • A good book – Forget the flowers and the candy, if your going to buy me a present get me a book. There is nothing better than curling up with a good book and just getting lost inside the story.
  • Sleep – If I wake up anytime after 7:00a.m. that is a gift. If you let me sleep till 9… It like a little piece of heaven!
  • A break from the chores – If I were to come home to a clean house with dishes done and garbage taken out, that would be a perfect Valentine’s Day treat….

It’s the simple things that matter now. It’s not about diamonds, and daisy’s. It’s the thought that matters, the care and the appreciation that are important now. Maybe in the land of Disney you need a knight in shining armour, but here in my world a man in tin foil is often enough!

If you don’t have a smile, I’ll give you one of mine!

I have decided that I want to go back to kindergarten. God how simple life was then… Take for example the process of making friends in kindergarten. If you were lonely in kindergarten you simply approached the nearest person your age and said “Hi, want to play?” and Ta-Da! You had yourself a new best friend, it was as easy as that. No judgement, no interrogation, just unbiased friendship and trust, right from the start. There were no fears of how you looked, no questioning what to say, what you could have in common, or what they would think of you, it was simple and innocent. Moving to a new city I have discovered how lonely it can be, I have realized how much I miss having my friends around. (Not even around in person, but more the knowledge that if I needed to see them they were there.) Here I don’t know anyone at all (it is me the BF and the kids, and as I told you before the BF is not overly social!) so I am starting to feel a little cuckoo being couped up in the house all the time with no one to socialize with.  Now I am by no means a shy person, I have no issue with chatting up anyone, anywhere, at anytime. I am very good at small talk, and I easily carry on conversations with the bank tellers, grocery clerks, coffee girls, or bus drivers, but unlike life in kindergarten, moving from small talk to friendship does not come as easily for adults. You can not very well walk up to a stranger and say “Hi, I’m Lonely! Wanna play with me?” In fact, I am almost sure it would get take the wrong way, and would most likely end up some sort of troublesome situation!!!

The innocence of our childhood, and the instant trust wear off quickly as we grow older. Friends stab us in the back, the news fills our heads with the negative outcomes of getting too close to strangers, and self-doubt causes us to hold ourselves back for fear of rejection. No longer to we look at other people as potential friends, we judge, we criticize, and we keep our distance.

Not only does maturity change us, our lives, and the world around us have changed. I was watching the local morning show the other day and the hosts were outside on the street looking for someone smiling… a very long time passed before they found a single person with a smile on their face. (Now I understand that it was early morning, it was cold, and many of the passers by had probably just rolled out of bed, but take a minute to look around you anytime of the day and seek out someone smiling! It’s not an easy thing to find.) A smile is the easiest way to lighten your mood, brighten your day (or someone else’s) and invite people to approach you. Yet many of us wander around so consumed in our thoughts that we barely notice the world around us, let alone the people we pass by.

What does it matter? Why am I rambling on about making friends you ask??? Well I’ll tell you why…..

Because I here I am in a new city, living a new life, and looking for a new opportunity to do something with myself (to be honest with you I am bored out of my mind being a mother and “wife”, but we’ll get into that at another time…) so why not take the time to make new friends along the way as well??? I am social by nature (very social) and I get depressed not having a large group of friends to talk to, share with, and learn from, which in turn makes my life as a mother and “wife” seem even more mundane.

When I was younger I dreamed of being famous, I longer for everyone to know my name, I wanted to be “someone”. I still have that dream, but on a much smaller scale… I don’t need the entire world to know who I am now. I don’t want the constant attention, the harassment of the paparazzi, and the ever lasting desire for privacy. What I do long for is to share myself with as many people as possible, to teach them what I know, and learn from them. To help them if I can and to make a mark on their lives if there is anyway possible. I want people to understand me, people to see me for who I really am, I want people who trust me, and whom I can trust. I want friends that I can spend time with when I am lonely, who I can turn to when I need help, who I can talk to, listen to, and open up to. I want to give a part of myself to as many people as possible in the hope that I can make a difference for them, even if it is just through a simple smile, or a friendly little chat…

It may seem silly, or possibly pointless to you, but for me it is my way of changing the world. A smile is a sign of love, and love can save the world. Friendship can cure deep pain and create strength that was never there before, and so as I walk down the street to take my son to school, go grocery shopping, or catch the bus I will smile. I will continue to chat to the driver, sales clerk, and the man mowing his lawn. I will make friends where I can, and brighten peoples day through tiny gestures. I will remember that making a difference means doing things that are both big and small, and that sometimes it is the smallest gestures that have the biggest impact on our lives.

Come On Over To My House…

I found a gem (well more a diamond in the rough) in the city by complete fluke.

I went back down to the city today under the motivation of an email for a very understanding and friendly sounding man, who messaged to inform me that he had an apartment in the city available for rent that he believed would suit my needs perfectly. I was skeptical at first in light of my adventure the prior day, but the area looked perfect (I google earth everything! Seriously, I am addicted to google earth.I think it is becoming a real problem.) Thanks to the conveniences of modern technology I can easily google any address and view (in detail) the property and the area, moving around as if I am actually at the location. (Trust me it makes stalking people a whole lot less exhausting.. you should try it!)

The address he gave me belonged to a regal looking home, that had long ago been split into five separate apartments. The lawn was well-kept and the home itself was in excellent condition, as were all the homes I could view in the surrounding area. The street was a tree-lined “family” neighbourhood that resembled something you would see on television. The school was a 6 minute walk away, and the house was surrounded by parkland… It looked perfect!!

I was weary on the ride down there, great price, nice house, perfect neighbourhood, something must be wrong.. I have learned lately that when something seems too good to be true it usually is just that!! But the man insisted I at least come and have a look, and that if I like it, it’s mine. What did I have to lose????

So early this afternoon we piled the kids into the car and headed back to the city for a second time, secretly dreading the time we would waste if it was another roach infested crack-den like we had seen the prior morning. We left early to avoid the chance of being tied up in weekend traffic, and arrived in the area an hour before the scheduled meeting time, under Lee’s helpful guidance (Lee is the man who lives inside the GPS, for those of you who did not read my last post) We drove around the area and explored to pass the time, and I was ecstatic to discover that less than a 5 minute walk from the house was all the amenities a mother could require for her day-to-day needs. A grocery store, a bank, a drugstore, a doctor, and many other little shops we easily accessible and would come in quite handy so close to home. The area itself was well-kept, for the most part, and was far from the run-down drug haven I have fearfully imagined in my mind.

When it came time to meet the landlord though my nerves started acting up, I was physically scared to see the inside of this apartment after the trauma from the day before…. It’s sad really, how one horrible apartment could turn me off an entire city!

We pulled up in front of the address and were greeted by a very well dressed, older, professional looking italian man. He greeted us with a friendly smile, and I liked him immediately.

Now before I get on with my story you have to understand that I am the spontaneous type. I have a tendency to do things on a whim without putting much thought into the process. I once up and moved across the country, basically out of boredom….

Anyway… We entered the house/apartment building through the front door and climbed a small flight of stairs to our apartment door, Apartment 1A was scrawled neatly across the door, but this time the door was not a damaged, mutilated, metal barrier that falsely ensured the ‘bad guys’ would be kept safely on the other side. No, it was a plain, run of the mill white wooden door with peep-hole, and a modest handle lock. (A big difference from the prison like locks and chains we had observed in the other units we viewed.) Though the lock was unobtrusive, the entrance felt safe, and I was sure that nothing larger was going to be required for protection. (I guess the fact that anyone who dared to disregard this lock would be met by my oversized rottweiler helped ease my safety fears)

Inside the apartment was clean (for the most part) and had been freshly painted. You entered into a small foyer and were greeted by an average sized front hall closet. (this is a big plus for me as I have been living sans storage space for the better part of the last year) Directly to the left was a fair-sized bedroom that would easily house both the children and their toys. It had a simple closet, and a large window, with good light fixtures and clean walls. In the room was a large piece of furniture that appeared to be a desk of some sort, the landlord explained that the man who had lived here had just up and moved out one day leaving a few items behind. I couldn’t complain, for the price I would gladly dispose of any left over belongings (and thankfully there were not many) Straight ahead from the front entrance was a reasonable sized livingroom area that held a real wood burning fire-place (I was very excited by this, there is nothing better than a roaring fire and a glass of wine on a cold night.) There were 3 large windows and plenty of natural light. This room also had a small closet for storage, and enough space for a nice couch and our reading chairs. I was impressed so far and continued my tour. There was a linen closet in the hallway and a fire escape through the back. The kitchen (although it needed a thorough cleaning, and a coat of paint) was a good size and had two windows and plenty of counter space. I was content to imagine myself preparing meals for my family in the cosy space it provided. The appliances were newer and in working order, so with a cleaning and some air it would be a useable space. Across from the kitchen was another large bedroom with a small ‘nook’ like area at the entrance that was perfect for placing a small dresser or shelf of some kind. It was bright, clean and rather large. The only complaint I could come up with was that the apartments only washroom was reached only through this bedroom, but seeing as the bf and I are very private people who do not encourage many visitors, I figured we could make it work. The bathroom itself could use a makeover, but it was again a clean and useable space with a big window, toilet, sink and shower stall (the baby will take some getting used to not having a bath tub but I am sure she will manage just fine.)

After wandering through the entire apartment and inspecting every little nook and cranny, I returned to the livingroom to speak to the landlord. He asked me what I thought of the space, and told me a bit about the area. I told him that I loved it (which I did) and he told me he could give me a key today and a months free rent…..

OK, maybe I started this search out of pure curiosity, perhaps I never ‘truly’ intended to move to the city, but with a deal like this on such a great unit, in such a great area, how could I go wrong???? The more I thought about it (and I did think about it) the more it seemed like a sign! Now I know what your thinking “Oh great! Here we go, now she is going to go off about signs from God, etc…” but no, I really mean it, maybe not from God, but a chance anyway. I have not been overly happy with my life in general the last few years and the only thing tying me to the town I live in is my family and friends. People I love dearly, but even with them living within walking distance, they are people I rarely see. I can not seem to find a good job in this town, and every time we get ahead, we somehow fall behind. My friends and family would still be my friends and family no matter where I went in the world, and with it only being an hour away there would ample opportunity for visits….. There were more jobs in the city, more things to do, and just more opportunity in general!

So, I paid the man his last moths rent and he handed me a key!!!! Yes, I got an apartment on the spot, for next to nothing!!!! He explained that the rush was due to the fact that he was heading for cuba the next day for a much-needed vacation, and that he felt the space was perfect for our family the minute he had read what I wrote about the awful apartments I had seen and the credit issues we were having….

Maybe it was all very fast, but I am so thankful that this man took the time to message me and insisted I see this space. I truly think that this was some kind of karma or fate, and I could not have asked for a better outcome…..

But, I suppose this means I should start packing????  Now That’s a whole other adventure in itself!!!

Crazy is as Crazy Does

on congress street

Image by micah makes art™ via Flickr

Those who know me will agree that when it comes to men I can get a little obsessive….. there I said it… the first step is admitting you are powerless to the problem right?

 Well. powerless I am…. some people are addicted to alcohol and drugs, I am addicted to people…..and not the good kind either! This addiction is usually to men, bad men, drug dealers, alcoholics, abusers, every kind of “bad” you can think of. I, for some reason, think I can change them….. like wow I can’t even change my own life….Yes I have issues. I won’t lie. I am jealous, and obsessive when I am in love, (if that what you can call it!) and I tend to be a bit of a bitch because of it. But it’s these high-stress relationships that make me this way when I have no reason to feel insecure I am a calm and collected person, well maybe not calm, or collected, but I am at least somewhat rational at the very least.

Most people will see a red flag and run in the opposite direction, but not me….. I will bound towards it, seeing it not as a hurdle, but as a challenge, a change I can help to create. God I am naive sometimes……Don’t get me wrong, I have had good relationships in the past, and I know what love is supposed to look like…. what I have become addicted to is not love! Not even close to it! It is the idea that I can make this person lovable. The concept that I can create change, the notion that I can achieve the impossible.

Every woman goes through this at some point or another, we all try to change a man before we realise we can’t…and I do know that I cannot change anyone…I just choose to ignore that fact every time Mr. I-Want-To-Be-A-Better-Man comes knocking on my door.

It all starts out innocently enough…. girl meets boy, girl likes boy, boy has issues, girl feels that she can help boy’s issues, girl tries, and tries to get boy to see things from her point-of-view, girl cries because boy doesn’t see it, girl cries even though she’s known all along this mission was doomed, girl self-destructs, girl picks up the pieces, girl vows never to try this again……. repeat cycle infinite number of times.

This is the ever-present pattern of my life, it’s sad I know, even sadder as I am now reading it here out in the “real world” I don’t mean to repeat this pattern, and each time is somewhat different from the last, but they all come down to the same issues. ME! and my twisted mother hen instinct that I should be forcing upon my children, who can actually benefit from this effort, rather than the “world is against me” men that I obsess over changing.

Once I get serious with these “addictions” and start to see a glimpse of what  fabricate the potential they may have, I start to panic… What if I put in all this effort toward helping them and then they leave? What if they don’t change? Worse what if they do change, and they don’t appreciate that is was me who is helping them do it? So in turn I really panic…. but the reality of it is…who cares???? Why should I care???? If he really was the good man I created in my mind and able to be this “better person” then he wouldn’t leave like that and I know it!!!!!

I then begin to act out of character, I am jealous, controlling, bitchy, demanding, overbearing, and just generally irrational. I drive these addictions crazy (crazier) and then I question why they are mad when they wanted my help in the first place…. of course they are mad, they never really wanted to change in the first place, they just wanted someone to care enough that if they actually felt like changing they would have an excuse, they wanted to see how much a person will put up with before they ran away. (Like a toddler testing your buttons to see how far they can get.) but I realise whole heartedly, in the world of black and white words, that…. #1 I can not fix anyone… people are not broken radios, they can not just be picked up and repaired at will…. #2 I am acting like a CRAZY person and expecting another CRAZY person to understand, and not act CRAZY!!!

Why do I act this way? I would love to be able to answer you, but there is no rational reason… yes, sometimes my anger is correctly placed. In fact, often times my anger is correctly placed, the things these men do are not acceptable even with their issues,  I have a right to be upset, but the truth is that “I chose this situation” and I chose to deal with it and I have no idea why…. it’s as if stress has become such a norm for me that I seek it out when there is none. I have always been a sucker for drama, but I need a different form of drama, this is more than even I require to stay interested in anything.

I need for this pattern to change… I am growing tired of being miserable and stressed out now. I am growing up…. quickly, and I want more than this….I truly think I am so in love with the thought of a family, even though I rave about not wanting to be married… or live a quiet and boring life, that I seek out “family man” qualities where they do not exist. I try to create these qualities in a place where there is no foundation for them to  be built. I am not helping these people, I am just affirming their pattern of thinking that the world is against them, and that they are able to do as they please with no consequences, I am an enabler. It is really sick actually, and seeing it written out here like this makes it even more insane! Am I in fact crazy? Should I check into some sort of program? Is there AA for love addicts?

Perhaps I should just make an effort to think with my head rather than my heart more often…and probably run from anything that is red!!!