My Narcissistic World!

I haven’t had much to say lately… Okay that’s a lie, I have had a lot to ‘say’ but nothing to write.

My life, as always, has been a strange fusion of chaos and calamity still somehow causing extreme bouts of boredom. Perhaps it is the chaos itself that I am bored of… because despite all the chaos that constantly surrounds me, I find my life very mundane. Sure there are chores to do, children to care for and other important items that should be complete, but let’s be serious these things are not there to humor me, they have been put in place simply to drive me nuts. Even in the midst of catastrophe, which occurs often in my life, I am not overly entertained.

I think I need a hobby, or a crap load of money, wine and illegal narcotics… something, because as of late, even my imagination seems to have fallen asleep at the wheel, and my ability to amuse myself has been lost among the endless loads of dirty laundry.

In an ideal world I would travel, I would visit exotic lands. I would write books that would change people’s lives, and tour with Oprah as she battles to change the world.

In an ideal world I would have a nanny, a housekeeper and a chef. I would have a well stocked wine cellar and a drunken’ smile plastered on my face.

In an ideal world it would always be summer, because having to bundle up really bums me out. I would live on the beach and I would never have to work again.

In an ideal world I would never be bored like I constantly am, I would have a personal assistant to handle all my problems, and a group of others whose sole purpose is simply finding ways to keep me amused.

In an ideal world I would have top of the line electronics, robotic appliances and fancy cars. I would have breakfast in Paris, lunch in Hawaii and Dinner in Italy.

In an ideal world I would have a private jet, and my own petting zoo. (With people to care for the animals of course) I would have a walk-in closet the size of a small house and the perfect clothes to fill it, my shoes and bags would have their own room, and my kids would have their own private wing!

Sure, I’m a little narcissistic, but Hell it’s MY ideal world and I’ll enjoy it the way I want to!!!

Meet The Crazies

I figured I would share some more personal stuff with you, help you get to know my family, and see what exactly makes us tick….. (Loose screws and all)

Our little family consists of 4 people and a dog (who is the equivalent of us ‘smaller’ three.)

I am Mama… I am the talkative one of the family. I drive the BF crazy with my constant babble. I just can not stand silence and I like to share my thoughts (all of them) on a regular basis. I enjoy having in-depth discussions, debates, or even just simple chats. I like to hear what others think (OK that’s a lie, I usually don’t give a rats ass what others think, but I want them to know what I think, and agree with it at all times) I love writing, I read a lot (well not a lot lately, but usually..) I am the one who does the cooking (a.k.a: attempts to cook) the one who does most of the cleaning (when I feel like it, aka: when BF starts to complain about the thick layer of dust, pile of dishes, and mountain of laundry) and the one who bathes, feeds, and for the most part cares for the children…(again, on a when I feel like it basis) I am an attention craving B***H, I drive BF nuts with my constant need for attention (something that I have required all my life) and my insane ideas. I make my children laugh with my constant chatter, silly voices/faces, and insane ideas. I am a generally happy person and I have been told that I am one of those “perky” people. (You know the type you just don’t want to see before 9 a.m. or your morning coffee, whichever comes first!) and I am a major procrastinator….

BF on the other hand is more of the “strong silent” type. He is a very private person, once a “Bad Boy” he is now content being a ‘family man’. His motto is say less, period. I can sit and chatter away to him all day and get a total of maybe 3 simple responses. He is not an overly social person, and people sometimes mistake his lack of communication as arrogance. (or ignorance) He is somewhat shy, (where I much prefer to have the full attention of an entire room of people at all times) and he keeps to himself for the most part. We have very little in common, but the things we do share, we share deeply, and we bicker like an old married couple. We both have short tempers and are hot-headed, which makes for some tense moments, and neither of us ever like to admit when we are wrong…. (which he usually is) We also have very different parenting styles (which is usually the sole cause of short tempers and hot headedness!) and has led to us having two very strange children….

C is 7 years old and is my son from a previous relationship. C is a caring and considerate little man. He is a mama’s boy through and through. He is handsome, and sweet, with a gentle manner to him. He could not hurt a fly and simply sees the love in every situation. But being a boy he is going through a phase right now where he lacks even basic commonsense. Sometimes I just stare in awe as I watch my beautiful son do some of the stupidest things a child can do. He tries so hard to be good that he ends up getting into trouble. He comes across as sneaky at times because of this phase, and is often difficult to talk to because of his wild imagination and his age (I find boys between the ages of 7 and 11 are stuck battling between being a child and a “big boy”, basically, they are kind of annoying!!) But I am sure that this phase will pass in time and I am confident that he will be a caring and intelligent man as he grows (overly sensitive perhaps, but there is no harm in that!!)

L on the other hand is almost 11 months old now and she is the little brat of the family. With a face like an angel she has the ability to get away with almost anything with a simple smile. She is independent, determined, and spoiled rotten. Thankfully she is a very happy baby and adores her older brother more than anything in the world. She is going to be a daddy’s girl without a doubt, and their resemblance is sometimes frightening. But she is beautiful, smart, and amazing and provides endless hours of entertainment for our family….

The dog on the other hand is the most spoiled brat of them all… The BFs baby, she is not one of those “follow the kids everywhere” kind of dogs. She is a bitch who basically lays about and looks at you like your crazy, and with her being a 100 pound rotti, we don’t have much to say about it!!! But she is calm and loving, and she definitely keeps us safe, so we have grown used to having her around….

We are slightly dysfunctional as a family, in fact, we are like a “real life” version of the Simpsons at times (except I like to believe that the BF is a little more intelligent than Homer, and I am a lot less of a pushover than Marge) but despite our differences we are a happy family, and we make a great team when we do work towards the same goal.

Because I Need To Smile Today….

I need a good laugh today, or at least a little smile. So… instead of ranting and raving about how my beautiful little devil angel won’t sleep, how I can’t seem to get this house in order, or how the noise from the people upstairs (combined with my insane little devil angel) has prevented me from sleeping for days now and caused serious tension in my household, I decided that I would laugh… and since I am going to laugh I may as well help others laugh along with me…. So here is a few jokes to make you smile, giggle, or just plain laugh out loud… because as “they” say laughter is the best medicine…(and this is one time I think “they” may actually be right)

  • How are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.
  • How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
  • A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
    A husband, “Put ‘MYPENIS’ ” and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, “Error. Not long enough.”
  • Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It’s $5. if you make your own bed.
    Guest: I’ll make my own bed.
    Innkeeper: Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.
  • Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
    Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
    Wife: You wear shorts!
  • What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
  • Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Holy Shit it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Holy Shit… A talking muffin!”
  • A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world” The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”

Hope these jokes courtesy of helped to brighten your day, and possibly bring you some warmth during this bitter cold!!!! 


Goodmorning… or Shut-up and Let Me Sleep!!

Astronomical Clock

Image by simpologist via Flickr

There are just some things I can not deal with first thing in the morning. Among those things are; loud noises, small kitchen fires, a ringing phone, a knock on the door, sick children, any sort of chaos, and most importantly, perky people.

There was once a time when I was one of those ‘perky people.’ I would wake up at an ungodly hour, and be as chipper as a canary in the morning sun. I would sing, dance, and giggle away as I puttered around the house during my morning routine. In fact, I was the worst kind of ‘perky person,’ I would wake other people up, and expect them to be just as perky as I….. the thought of it now makes me shutter. How could I be cruel?

I actually remember a time when I snuck in and woke my roommate by singing, “Wakey, wakey, eggs, and bakey…” at the top of my lungs in a perky happy voice, nearly causing her to suffer a coronary, and possibly ruining her entire day! Honestly, I have no idea why I thought this was amusing at the time, and I would probably be locked away for murder if someone did this to me now, but at the time it was hilarious, well, to me anyway. God I was awful! 

Somewhere between highschool, and two children, I lost that ‘perky person’ mentality, and I can not even begin to describe the utter loathing I have for such people at this point in my life. I just can not recall why I ever had the desire to be awake and happy so early in the morning. I can not remember what sort of motivation I had to be so dam happy, and I have no clue why any adult now would want to be this way. Don’t get me wrong I am up early, but awake? now that is a whole different story…… I am not fully awake these days until I have had at least two coffees, a few moments to myself, the kids are in bed, and the sun is setting for the evening….

My BF is one of those ‘perky people.’ He will often wake up and hum as he zips around the house getting ready for his day. He will turn on lights, get the baby up, and wake the whole household in general, not ever fully understanding why I am not happy that he is happy…. it’s not that I don’t want him to be happy… I just need to power up my brain before I deal with such ridiculous behaviour. (or any behaviour, for that matter)

I feel like a crab apple sometimes. I have become that crabby lady who yells at the neighbours for tip-toeing across the floor at 7 a.m. ( OK it’s not quite that bad, but it gets close some days!) I wonder where my happiness went???

Not that I am not happy, I am, it just that perky, immature antics somehow escape my sense of humour before the hour of 10 a.m. (OK maybe closer to 10 p.m.) or a couple of cups of coffee, which ever comes first.

I don’t like to be woken suddenly, I like to wallow in my sleepy state for as long as I possibly can. I like to stretch, doze, and for the most part slowly awake on my own time. This is probably an odd desire for a woman with two children, one of which is a screaming, crying, attention seeking devil infant, but it is the best option for everyone involved.

Sure there are times I wish I was still that chipper person, so I could enjoy a sunrise, creep in to my children’s rooms during the wee hours of the morning and simply kiss them while they sleep, or simply enjoy the quiet moments that occur before the chaos begins, but those days have passed, and I enjoy my sleep a lot more than I enjoy those moments apparently… so for now I will stick to my shut-eye and save everyone the hassle of dealing with me in the early morning hours. As for all you ‘perky people’ my advice to you is to just let us ‘crab apples’ sleep, it is by-far, the safest option available.