The Struggle of Motherhood: The Chaos, The Casualties, and The Contemplation


I suppose it is time that I face the facts:

I am the mother of two insane, though admittedly amazing, children.

For a long time I have lived in a fantasy world with dreams that I would one day wake-up to my old life. I have fought with the unrealistic idea that I would open my eyes one morning  to find that I was back in my old bed, with my old stuff, living my old life, with my old friends, and things would once again be simple and carefree. I have carelessly dreamed that the responsibilities of raising two children would somehow disappear, and I would once again be free to live the flighty shallow life I was once accustomed to  living. These thoughts have been in the back of my subconscious mind for the last 8 years, somehow overshadowing any reality, and hindering my success. I didn’t think them consciously, and I have never said them out loud… I am not that crazy, they are not intentional thoughts! But for a long time I have refused to accept that this is the way things are, life is not going to change over night, and the pressure and chaos of motherhood is not simply going to fade away with the sunrise.

I see now the silliness of my ways. As I said, this was never a conscious thought.. I did not actually believe that I would wake up and find that my entire life for the last 8 years was all a crazy dream. No, of course not. I did not actually think that I would open my eyes one morning to a life where I suddenly had no children and things were responsibility free… In fact, had that actually happened I am sure that I would have been devastated. You see, I love and adore my children more than anything in the world, a despite the fact that they cost me a lot of money, they regularly test my sanity, and raising them is the scariest thing in the world… I wouldn’t trade them for any amount of fame, fortune, or fantasy. But… I have allowed my selfishness to hold me back. I have fought against embracing life for what it is, and I have lived with the hope that things would just get easier….

The truth is… They won’t!

No matter how much I fight against responsibility, no matter how far I run, or how hard I wish, life will always be exactly what it is at this moment!

I think there comes a point in everyone’s life where they must accept that this is the way it is… You can either choose to embrace it, or continue to struggle against it… This is the choice between happiness and struggle.. failure and success… joy and pain… forgiveness and remorse… This is the point I am at right now!

As silly as it sounds I have spent the last 8 years (and probably many more before that) making excuses for why I was not doing what I wanted to do. I have used my children as a crutch against a harsh world, and my fear of failure. I constantly allowed the little voice inside my mind to convince me that life was just too hard, and I gave myself permission to give up and give in!

The reality is, Yes. Life is hard! Life is always going to be hard! With or without my children I will struggle in someway. Perhaps it wouldn’t feel so stressful if I didn’t have the extra mouths to feed, but it would still be a struggle just the same! It is time that I accept life for what it is right now, time that I take responsibility and admit that it is my choices that have brought me where I am today. It is time that I let go of fantasy and make the best of the gifts I have been given. It is time that I stop taking for granted all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and embrace life with open arms. It is time that I accept and assess the way things are, and embrace what I can not control. It is time that I change what I can… and most of all it is time I stop making excuses!

Maybe I don’t like the constant responsibility or caring for two children… but that’s mostly because I am afraid that I will make mistakes. Perhaps it is difficult to make ends meet at times… but no more difficult that it would be on my own. Sure, it might be frightening to accept that these children need me, that they rely on me to be their strength and their guidance, of course that is a frightening thing… Hell, half the time I can’t guide myself to the grocery store , the shower, or even to bed…. but the truth is every parent is scared, not just me! It is time I end this pity party once and for all, time that I take all that I have been given and turn it into the best thing that I possibly can. I have spent 8 years fighting the facts and I will not do this for 8 more… It is time for me to realize that I will never again be carefree, I will never again have a moment where I don’t have to consider someone else’s needs, I will never again have the freedom to run from my fears…

It is time that I accept wholeheartedly that this is exactly the way that life is supposed to be right now, this is exactly what I need.

And so now I will leave you with a thought…

Our choices have brought us all to the place we are right at this moment, and in life we are always given exactly what we need to succeed… Though there may be times of struggle, moments of pain, and plenty of fear… each and every obstacle you face in life was placed there purposely, with the intent to teach you something new. Your life is what you have made it through your choices in the past, and what you opt to make it through your choices each and every day… You can either choose to embrace it or you can continue to fight… This is the choice between happiness and struggle…

Which do you choose today?

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2 thoughts on “The Struggle of Motherhood: The Chaos, The Casualties, and The Contemplation

  1. I am only a man, and an awesome man at that; but i can assure you that your are indeed correct. My wife of a 4 month old basically told me these type feelings today as I came home from golf…boozed up a little. Good writing.

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