I am holding these children hostage until things change….. Wait! Who’s stupid idea was this???


There has not been much to write about lately.. Things in my life are kind of at a lull…. Tensions in my home are running high because we are constantly having to  remind C of the most basic rules and manners. L is a tiny terrorist who basically does what she wants, when she wants, no matter how many times you say no, remove her from the area, or try to distract her with something else. The laundry is piled sky high…literally… The washing machine is broken, and I haven’t cooked a decent meal in days….

An absolute detest for my mundane life has taken over me. The regularity, predictability, and routine of my everyday are numbing my mind. The brief encounters we have been getting with warm weather only seem to intensify my wretched mood, because the moment I start to enjoy the warmth it fades away to gray skies and cold winds…. and I am just not made for gray skies and cold weather….

Basically, to put it simply….

I QUIT!

I have decided that from this point forward I am officially on strike until one or more of the following things happen:

  • Someone fixes the washer and offers to wash, dry, fold, and put away the stratospheric (it was the most fitting word) amount of laundry that has managed to pile up… I wonder WTF we have been wearing? I was not even aware we owned that many articles of clothing…. Seriously, I know I have a tendency to exaggerate, but this is not one of those times!
  • Mother Nature gets mood stabilizers, stops being a bitch, and decides to keep the weather at least somewhat regular…
  • Chef Ramsay moves into my house to cook for us… but I don’t have to deal with him directly! Or in the very least I’d settle for someone else offering to make dinner.. Even once a week!!!
  • We suddenly win the lottery and can afford a maid, a live-in Nanny, Kitchen staff, and a pool boy…. A new house with a pool would be good too, but it’s not an asset…
  • We get one of those I-Bot vacuums that does the entire house for you…
  • The mother of these children returns and takes them back where they came from… or they at least stop calling me Mom and expecting me to care for them….
  • Mary Poppins arrives via umbrella to make our house a magical place to live.
  • I wake-up to a spotless house, a loving husband and well-behaved children that actually listen to what I say and do as they are told… without arguments, stress, or stupid questions….
  • I wake up tomorrow and discover that I have become Kate Middleton…. I’d settle for that I suppose! I mean if I had to settle…..

But since none of these things is going to happen and I am simply living in a seriously deranged fairy tale dream… I will instead:

  • Do the excessive amounts of laundry that have somehow managed to take over the entire house and are threatening to swallow us whole, by dragging it to the laundry mat and sitting there for two hours while some strange man with a thick foreign accent tries to talk to me and the dryer eats my quarters leaving every article of clothing  sopping wet…
  • I will bundle up and deal with the weary, wet weather… I will complain that I am cold and get sick because my feet are wet. I will bitch and whine about how it is suppose to be summer, and I will yell at my kids to keep out of the puddles…
  • I will get off my lazy ass and cook dinner, because despite the fact that I don’t feel like cooking, I do love to eat… Many days I will make sandwiches, there will possibly be nights that consist of Kraft Dinner, and Peanut Butter and Jam will definitely be on the menu a few times…
  • I will continue to clean and care for these children, because although it would be nice to win the lottery… we would first have to play… and the thought of their mother returning to get the little brats angels is nothing more than a dream….
  • I will not purchase an I-Bot vacuum because a) they are over priced, and b) it would just be my luck that the things would come alive and kill us all….
  • Mary Poppins is high on crack and is definitely not coming…
  • I will never wake up to a spotless house…. because I have children
  • I may wake up to a loving husband… but he will have to leave before mine gets home….
  • No matter how hard I wish, no matter how many times I close my eyes and force it to be.. I will not wake up as Kate Middleton.. Which I suppose is better anyway… The media would have a frenzy if the Princess had a potty mouth like me… and can you imagine the headlines when they discovered I was an unwed mother of two crazy little children…. Who somehow managed to high-jack the palace, and steal someone’s life….

No I will continue living my life…. I will be a bitch because I am bored. I will whine that I am unhappy. I will scream when I am mad, and laugh at the stupid things my children do… But seriously.. if you don’t hear from me… Be worried… because I will probably drown while doing all this friggin’ laundry….

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One thought on “I am holding these children hostage until things change….. Wait! Who’s stupid idea was this???

  1. Hopefully your demands have been meet at this point and the strike is over. It shouldn’t be to hard for the family to fulfill at least some of these named things on the list, right?

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