Inappropriate Outbursts

Today, during a relaxing afternoon outing it was brought to my attention that I may have an issue with people pointing out my faults. I won’t lie to you, I was already somewhat aware of this fact before this conversation took place.

I have never been the type to take criticism with a smile and a nod, unless it is regarding my writing. For some reason I can handle someone completely ripping my writing apart without a bother in my bones, but point out something I am doing wrong on a personal level and I have this unexplainable need to defend myself… even when I know that what is being said is true, even when the person is right, and even when I know that I am completely wrong. (yes I admit that I am sometimes wrong)

Why? I am unsure why I do it… I think that I have this overwhelming need to explain myself, it’s as if I ‘have’ to be understood. I often find myself explaining (or excusing) even the most idiotic of actions on my part, like I am just trying to make the other person see my reasoning or my train of thought.

There are times when I wish I could just shut-up and listen to people when they tell me what I am doing wrong. I wish that I could just take what they say and use it as a lesson… not that I don’t hear them I do, not that I don’t use this constructive criticism as a tool to better myself or improve from my mistakes, of course I do… but do you think I will tell ‘them’ that??? Never!

I am like a lioness with too much pride.. I will fight till death just to prove my point, just to show someone how I feel or what I am thinking. I will bicker and battle for ages just to express my opinion on something… I don’t mean to do it, I just have a natural need to debate…. I really think I was born to be a politician or a lawyer or something along those lines.. something that allows me to argue with people and share my point of view, a career that lets me convince people that I know what is best, not only for myself but for the world on a whole… Well I guess writing can have the same effect in a sense, and probably a lot less consequences too!

I don’t know why I felt the need to share this fact with you, the truth is this is a part of me that is probably never going to change… although I would like to learn to take peoples criticism with more grace, the part of me that desires a good debate will never fade!

Just another piece of myself I figured I would share…..



2 thoughts on “Inappropriate Outbursts

  1. You are not alone. I have calmed down quite a bit but I use to be horrible. I think you are right though…I think that it stems from the intense need to be understood. I have always felt that that experiences I had growing up shaped the decisions that I made as an adult. I never discussed my childhood with anyone and so I felt for most of my life like no one truly understood why I do the things I do. I constantly felt the need to defend myself and explain myself.

    As I have become more comfortable in my own skin and started talking about some of the trauma I experienced as a child, I have calmed down quite a bit. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It helps to know that I am not either. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Ooh this does sound so familiar to me. I am the kind of person who is way to proud to let himself be critized. I am always jumping on it as if my life depends on that one. Although I do know it is really a bad quality, I just can’t get rid of it and somehow I wouldn’t want to. Then again, all that people can’t take from us, is our pride. So maybe it is good to be a headstrong person!

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