For Rent

In light of the recent issues I have been having with my apartment, and landlord, I have started the hunt for a new place to call home. It has been a long time since I actually had to go out in search of an apartment, over the last few years I have had good luck with finding them, more like stumbling across them accidentally (which probably explains the terrible luck I have had with my last few apartments now that I think about it) But what shocks me lately is the complexity involved in acquiring an apartment now a days…

Long gone (it seems) are the days when, with cash in hand, you could have your pick of apartments. You could haggle landlords out of last months rent, and negotiate your payments without much effort, You could go out in search and return with a brand new place to call home, usually with a move in date within the next week or so. Now, finding an apartment is harder than joining the CIA, there are processes, paper work, and interrogations. There are questions to answer, (things I wouldn’t discuss with my best friend) credit check to complete, and negotiations?? forget it, you can cut $5 off the asking price, let alone get a deal on your monthly rent. It’s as if you have to pass a lie detector test, drug test, and psych evaluation just to get something outside (and even inside) the ghetto.

I have answered in-depth questions regarding my family income, marital status, and credit score. I have discussed employment, education, and cleanliness, I even had a woman ask me if I was the ‘ghetto’ type of mother!!! Has anyone ever said Yes to that?? “Why yes! Yes I am, In fact most days I just lock the kids doors from the outside and slide bread underneath for dinner, while me and my hood-rats sit in the livingroom and smoke crack…Is this gonna be a problem?”

I understand that landlords need to protect themselves, there are a lot of people out there that will take advantage, and cause damage, but honestly if you see my little family, we do not come across as the con-artist type. First off I am far to kind-hearted to rip someone off, leaving this apartment the way I am has nearly caused me to suffer a massive coronary just due to stress and I am not even wrong for doing it, and secondly I am a terrible liar, conning someone involves intricate, detailed schemes, and I just don’t have the ability, or attention to detail.

It is a frustrating process, that takes way longer than necessary… I just want to give them cash and get the keys… Like how do all these crack dealers do it? Those people seem to have no trouble finding nice apartments on a whim, and moving in the same day!!! Am I missing some secret code word or club that gains you access to easily available housing without the wait?? Maybe it’s a secret handshake or a bribe of some sort…

All I know is that the whole thing is already making me crazy! I wont lie to you, I don’t exactly hold the best credit score at the moment, but I have been blessed with a list of excellent rental references that would assure any landlord there would be no worry of issues ahead. I boast a quiet “family oriented” lifestyle, and a strong work ethic… so… WTF is the issue?  Honestly for some of these landlords I am the dream tenant! I have cash and I am clean, quiet and responsible.

Needless to say (until I learn the secret handshake) my search will continue, and hopefully I will find something somewhere in the city that is suitable for us and easily acquired…. Cross your fingers and wish me luck, because at this point if one more impossible to understand foreign landlord asks me if I do drugs, drink, or party after I tell them I live a “family” life I am just going to move us all into a cardboard box and be done with it!!!

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