Being the nice girl I am, I figured I should take some time to write you a letter. With 22 days till Christmas I need to share with you the things I want this year in order to prevent the type of misunderstanding we had last year. I don’t remember asking for a low-carb cookbook, and although it was very thoughtful of you to imply that I need to cut back on carbs, it has since been sitting in the back of the cupboard, yet to be used…truthfully Santa, it was a stupid gift, I am neither overweight, or in need of a change in eating habits. But I am sure you put a lot of thought into the gift, of course, so I refrained from tossing it in the trash, I mean you never know when you might need a good recipe for eggplant pie, right?
But in order to prevent such confusion this year I will state my desires clearly, and concisely in simple to understand words. As I am almost sure that it is not you that gets confused Santa, it must be those elves you have hidden up there with you in the North Pole, I can’t imagine that they are overly intelligent beings, and I am sure that with all the letters you receive they could easily confuse my list of desires with someone elses…I mean these things happen, I completely understand. That ‘s why I am not blaming you Santa, I know you would never send such a silly gift on purpose.
I am a REALLY nice girl Santa…I don’t care what they say. I don’t cause harm to others, well not on purpose anyway, and not unless it is done in good humor. I try really hard not to be mean, not to lie, cheat ,or steal, and I maintain good manners Santa. I am a REALLY nice girl… and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying!
Besides, define Naughty… I mean who doesn’t have Naughty moments, and what do you care anyway, all alone and secluded up there in the North pole… either Mrs. Claus has some very Naughty moments of her own, or you are thriving off ours while you
stalk watch us… but anyway…. I am telling you in all honesty Santa I try REALLY hard to be a REALLY nice girl!
So I have done a lot of thinking this year about what it is I want for Christmas. I decided that asking you for a new house, a nice Porche, or a million dollars would be greedy of me Santa, so don’t worry those things have been taken off my list for this year. I also figure with such short notice I can forget the Prada purse, Tiffany’s diamond, or the Mac make-up collection I have been yearning for. Instead Santa I have a simple list of questions for you to answer, and a few items that would be of great help in my life. I think that is a fair and unselfish request. I mean I do need a new computer, new clothes, better children, and a personal housekeeper, so if you could swing that as well, I would greatly…..
Anyway, on with the questions;
- Have you ever considered getting a makeover? I know your look has been working for you the past couple of hundred years, but honestly red suits and over grown beards went out with Austin Powers….just saying! I can refer you to someone if you like….. let me know, I’ll make some calls.
- What’s with the Ho, ho, ho? I’m not sure if anyone told you, but that word is kind of offensive, you should probably come up with a new slogan… I mean woman’s rights and all!!!
- Where in the world did you find all those elves? What are you paying them for them to be willing to bust ass up in the frigid cold 365 days a year? Are they unionized? Remember my request for a housekeeper?? Well I could just borrow a couple of your little elves, I mean they must have downtime during the off-season, right? How are they with housework and childcare?
- What is with the flying reindeer? I know that it is an eco-friendly form of transportation, but there are some great luxury vehicles out now with plenty of trunk space… Probably help ease the harassment from PETA as well, surely they can not be happy with animals being forced to fly at dangerous heights, around the entire wold in one evening?? It’s kind of cruel actually…. I mean I have never seen a reindeer fly, what the hell are you feeding them???
- Ok Santa not to be rude, but let’s be honest here… we all know your fat ass isn’t fitting down a chimney, so my question is how the hell are you getting into these houses undetected? I don’t even have a chimney, never have had one actually, so what is it some super spy gadget? A master-key? You must have had a very troubled childhood Santa, I mean with B&E skills like this and your questionable enjoyment of children sitting on your lap…. have you ever had any run-ins with the police? You know those awkward moments that make great stories later, but are just not so easy to explain at the time???
- Are you not sick of milk and cookies? Honestly I got sick of milk and cookies at the age of 12, and yet, you eat millions of cookies, and drink millions of glasses of milk on christmas eve. Do you not just want to freak out, shake a child and scream “For once, just one f***ing time, can you not leave rum and cupcakes?” Just asking, cuz I know I would….
- Have you thought about implementing some sort of exchange policy? I am not talking full refunds or anything, just a straight exchange on any unwanted gift items, of course you pay shipping and handeling…..but I think this idea could really benefit your customers. Providing excellent customer service is the key to repeat business you know…
- What do you do for the rest of the year? When you are not spending the night breaking into people’s homes, with your flying reindeer, drinking their milk, and leaving them crap gifts??? Are you on house arrest? Is Christmas your mandatory charity work? That’s it isn’t it? It was all that child labor, covered up to look like elves…it’s OK Santa…. at least you’re doing something good out of all of this….I mean even Micheal Jackson wasn’t all bad, right???….I am sure you have good intentions as well, I forgive you Santa.
Hopefully you will be able to answer my questions Santa, because I really need to know these things. they have been troubling me since 1983….
As for my christmas list Santa it is pretty simple, I want;
- Some new clothes – I know that you are perfectly content wearing the same outfit year, after year, but I need some variety Santa. A few pairs of pants, a couple of tops, one or two great pairs of shoes, and a matching bag should work just fine…. nothing fancy, just the basics.
- A little patience – Santa, I try very hard to be a patient person, but I could use a hand here. I deal with stupid people on a daily basis Santa, as I am sure you can understand, seeing as you regularly converse with only elves, children and Mrs. Claus, who clearly can not have her head on straight, and I try hard to be patient and understanding, but Santa sometimes it is difficult. So if you can dig deep into that big red sac of yours and pull out some extra patience it would make my life a lot easier.
- Well behaved children – Santa please I am begging you to work your magic on my kids. No more crying, screaming, fighting, or sleepless nights. I want manners, and intelligence, controlled tempers, and straight A’s. Happy faces, and easy bedtimes. This should not be too difficult for you Santa, I am sure you can figure it out.
- Romance – Santa I spend most days sitting at home, caring for children, writing my blog, or cleaning the house…which you already know of course since you are
stalking mealways watching, I could use a little romance in my life Santa. No I don’t want to share your cookies by candle light, thanks anyway, but if you could give me a night or two of intelligent, intimate conversation with my boyfriend, sans children I would be an even nicer girl….honest! (Perhaps when you send the elves I requested cleaning and babysitting could be included in the job description…just saying!)
- A new computer – This kind of goes along with patience Santa, because although I am a REALLY nice girl, I do have moments of weakness with the words I
speakyell at the computer screen. Some of those moments include words that are not so nice…. and naughty as it may be… this thing is truly ridiclous…and surely I cannot be held responsible for my slight frustration with such an annoying contraption, right?
Well Santa that’s it for this year, I don’t think I am asking a lot from you. I work hard to be a good parent, good person, and a good girl. So please Santa I will be tucked in tight on Christmas eve awaiting your response and the above mentioned gifts….one more thought though Santa just incase…. do you have a complaints department, and could I get their number???
A REALLY Nice Girl.
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