I have tried to start Christmas shopping, I truly have tried. I have repeatedly travelled to the mall, Walmart, and various other stores with the intention of buying some much-needed gifts. I have not been procrastinating my shopping, I really am trying to get it done. It’s just that every time I step into one of these department stores I am overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers. I am overcome with the crowds, the commotion, and the drama of the busy aisles. I am blown away but the outright ignorance, coarseness, and utter insanity that shopping this time of year brings. I am not procrastinating, I just can not see to get it done….or even started for that matter.
It hurts me when I hear people say they are “almost done” their shopping, that they have “just a few more things to buy”….how are they doing it??? Is there some secret society that I don’t know about where the department stores are void of crowds and crazy people?? Where they always have exactly what you are looking for, at exactly the price you are willing to pay? How do I get in? I am willing to pay for a membership…. Is there a secret password or handshake I need to know? I promise I won’t tell anyone! (OK that’s a lie, secrets have never been my strong suit, but I wont tell everyone!)
I do really need to get started, with 25 days till the fat guy in the red suit breaks into my house while I am sleeping, I have a plan…..
First of all I must say…Thank God for Walmart! Thanks to the lovely marketing skills of the people at Walmart I can now do my shopping at 3 a.m. Thus avoiding the vast majority of holiday shoppers, crazy old ladies with out of control carts, and screaming 3 year olds in the toy aisle. I can enter a quiet world of a few tired shoppers, and carry on with my list as planned. Whoever it was at Walmart that said “hey we should stay open 24 hours a day before Christmas” seriously deserves a raise…in fact they deserve to be promoted to Vice President because they are genius… Walmart should ensure this person some comfort and job security because with this kind of intelligence they may very well go and open a store that could take over the world and knock Walmart out of the running…. seriously this person must be a parent. I could kiss them for such brilliant thinking. It almost makes me want to go to Walmart at 3 a.m. and buy them a gift!!!
The only other option I could come up with in my in-depth shopping solutions brainstorming session was online shopping. Shopping online can be a great way to save money and avoid the stress of holiday crowds, but personally it is just not for me. I buy the occasional item online, but I have the awful kind of luck that turns the perfect gift into an unusable item. Not only an unusable item, but an unusable item that is damaged, and late. It’s just the way it works for me.. with this luck I would probably purchase a great watch for my father and end up with a pink negligee that is 4 sizes too small, for either me or my father, and two weeks too late for christmas! If you have better luck than I do, shopping online may be your answer! I think I’ll opt out of this one though, I really don’t think my father would appreciate lingerie for Christmas, no matter how cute it turned out to be.
Now keep in mind that 3 a.m. Walmart shopping also has its down side. Yes, i do get the luxury of avoid the crowds of crazy holiday shoppers, the long lines, and the screaming children. But 3 a.m. shopping holds its own kind of crazy. Instead of nasty old ladies with out of control carts I will instead get the pleasure of drunk old men with lonely lives, who just want to ‘talk’. I will find the less than apealing homeless, bored, or sleep deprived people who will follow behind me and scrutinize every item I put in my cart, until I whip around and ask in a not so tactful manner “WTF are you looking at?” There is also the lack of staff, so when I do locate the perfect gift for that special someone, and it happens to be on the very top shelf, at the very back of that shelf, there will be no nice sales boy anywhere in sight to get it down for me. Which means, chances are I will be scaling Walmart shelves at terrifying heights, under the influence of serious sleep deprivation, and probably numerous coffees, in order to reach this item myself. At which time I am sure that upon safely reaching the ground I will find that the item is in some way dysfunctional or devoid of required parts.
I am also sure that in my disillusioned 3 a.m. state I will completely convince myself that I must buy some item that I simply do not require. Although I wont have the overwhelming urge to just grab whatever I see and go with it, lack of sleep can play strange tricks on the mind. I am almost positive that I will end up with a ridiculous item that has no place in my cart simply because I have assured my over tired brain that it has some use in my life. Be it an automatic onion chopper, a massaging blanket, or a self-cleaning carrot peeler, I just know it is going to happen…I will try to prepare, but honestly I can not be held responsible for my purchases at such un-godly hours….thankfully Walmart has a very understanding return department….which is also open at 3 a.m.
And so this is the solution to my problem of holiday shopping, it may not be a fool-proof plan, but it’s a plan dammit and it is not procrastination…. I will get rested so that I can go out shopping tonight…. or maybe tomorrow….some night this week I will get it all done and then I can rest and relax like the others who are “done Christmas shopping” and ready to enjoy the season!
Possibly, But Probably Un-Related Articles
- Walmart My Holiday – Walmart (itunes.apple.com)
- All-night shop-a-thon: Black Friday draws crowds (usatoday.com)
- Walmart to Open Thanksgiving, Sears Too (dailyfinance.com)
- Holiday sales encouraging, but are shoppers done? (thenewstribune.com)