Crazy is as Crazy Does

on congress street

Image by micah makes art™ via Flickr

Those who know me will agree that when it comes to men I can get a little obsessive….. there I said it… the first step is admitting you are powerless to the problem right?

 Well. powerless I am…. some people are addicted to alcohol and drugs, I am addicted to people…..and not the good kind either! This addiction is usually to men, bad men, drug dealers, alcoholics, abusers, every kind of “bad” you can think of. I, for some reason, think I can change them….. like wow I can’t even change my own life….Yes I have issues. I won’t lie. I am jealous, and obsessive when I am in love, (if that what you can call it!) and I tend to be a bit of a bitch because of it. But it’s these high-stress relationships that make me this way when I have no reason to feel insecure I am a calm and collected person, well maybe not calm, or collected, but I am at least somewhat rational at the very least.

Most people will see a red flag and run in the opposite direction, but not me….. I will bound towards it, seeing it not as a hurdle, but as a challenge, a change I can help to create. God I am naive sometimes……Don’t get me wrong, I have had good relationships in the past, and I know what love is supposed to look like…. what I have become addicted to is not love! Not even close to it! It is the idea that I can make this person lovable. The concept that I can create change, the notion that I can achieve the impossible.

Every woman goes through this at some point or another, we all try to change a man before we realise we can’t…and I do know that I cannot change anyone…I just choose to ignore that fact every time Mr. I-Want-To-Be-A-Better-Man comes knocking on my door.

It all starts out innocently enough…. girl meets boy, girl likes boy, boy has issues, girl feels that she can help boy’s issues, girl tries, and tries to get boy to see things from her point-of-view, girl cries because boy doesn’t see it, girl cries even though she’s known all along this mission was doomed, girl self-destructs, girl picks up the pieces, girl vows never to try this again……. repeat cycle infinite number of times.

This is the ever-present pattern of my life, it’s sad I know, even sadder as I am now reading it here out in the “real world” I don’t mean to repeat this pattern, and each time is somewhat different from the last, but they all come down to the same issues. ME! and my twisted mother hen instinct that I should be forcing upon my children, who can actually benefit from this effort, rather than the “world is against me” men that I obsess over changing.

Once I get serious with these “addictions” and start to see a glimpse of what  fabricate the potential they may have, I start to panic… What if I put in all this effort toward helping them and then they leave? What if they don’t change? Worse what if they do change, and they don’t appreciate that is was me who is helping them do it? So in turn I really panic…. but the reality of it is…who cares???? Why should I care???? If he really was the good man I created in my mind and able to be this “better person” then he wouldn’t leave like that and I know it!!!!!

I then begin to act out of character, I am jealous, controlling, bitchy, demanding, overbearing, and just generally irrational. I drive these addictions crazy (crazier) and then I question why they are mad when they wanted my help in the first place…. of course they are mad, they never really wanted to change in the first place, they just wanted someone to care enough that if they actually felt like changing they would have an excuse, they wanted to see how much a person will put up with before they ran away. (Like a toddler testing your buttons to see how far they can get.) but I realise whole heartedly, in the world of black and white words, that…. #1 I can not fix anyone… people are not broken radios, they can not just be picked up and repaired at will…. #2 I am acting like a CRAZY person and expecting another CRAZY person to understand, and not act CRAZY!!!

Why do I act this way? I would love to be able to answer you, but there is no rational reason… yes, sometimes my anger is correctly placed. In fact, often times my anger is correctly placed, the things these men do are not acceptable even with their issues,  I have a right to be upset, but the truth is that “I chose this situation” and I chose to deal with it and I have no idea why…. it’s as if stress has become such a norm for me that I seek it out when there is none. I have always been a sucker for drama, but I need a different form of drama, this is more than even I require to stay interested in anything.

I need for this pattern to change… I am growing tired of being miserable and stressed out now. I am growing up…. quickly, and I want more than this….I truly think I am so in love with the thought of a family, even though I rave about not wanting to be married… or live a quiet and boring life, that I seek out “family man” qualities where they do not exist. I try to create these qualities in a place where there is no foundation for them to  be built. I am not helping these people, I am just affirming their pattern of thinking that the world is against them, and that they are able to do as they please with no consequences, I am an enabler. It is really sick actually, and seeing it written out here like this makes it even more insane! Am I in fact crazy? Should I check into some sort of program? Is there AA for love addicts?

Perhaps I should just make an effort to think with my head rather than my heart more often…and probably run from anything that is red!!!


2 thoughts on “Crazy is as Crazy Does

  1. I agree with you. We have addictions. I am also addicted to alcohol and sex. I seem to love every women and obey her – for sex. i kind of get attracted to bad women but what can I do? Addiction. Prayer to the woman. Well…it’s life.

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