A strange thing occurs in my home….and maybe it is not just my home, or perhaps it is again the work of that sneaky little messy fairy that drives me so batty, but it seems no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I always find bizarre items under my couch cushions! It’s perplexing….mostly because I do not allow food in my livingroom…. Under no circumstance is there ever a child with food in hand on my couch. This is not because it is a nice couch, it is because of the fact that many of these bizarre items I come upon are in fact food items!! And I am fed up.
Sure I have come across many other equally strange things…money (which is a more pleasant surprise), toys, papers, mail, crayons, Lego’s, and crumbs….the occasional dust bunny, and some seriously questionable sticky stuff! It is not uncommon in my house that the couch swallows the remote control, the cordless phone, or the match to those single socks that are lying around…not all of them mind you….I still wonder where the others disappear to, is there a little man in dryer land that collects odd socks? Is he sitting back on a huge pile of single socks laughing at us as we search every crack and nook of the dryer?
Anyway…… One time I was on my weekly cleaning spree, (OK fine it’s more of a monthly thing) but as I was on this mission I came across a very extraordinary effect deep within the cushions of the couch. I usually suck everything up with my beloved Filter Queen vacuum, I mean if it is under there, and no one knows its under there, I don’t need to save it right? Or possibly I am just to lazy to actually pick it up and put it back in its proper place…either way…swoosh it usually goes, but this amazingly abnormal item did not suffer the same fate. Partly because it would not fit up the nozzle of the vacuum, and mostly because the thought of where it came from makes me nervous….there staring up at me from the deep darkness was an adult magazine!
OK maybe to some of you this is not a strange find, but for me it was disturbing. Why? because…. a) I don’t purchase, read, or even slightly enjoy adult magazines. b) I have children, so even if I did like adult magazines they would not be in the couch where little hands could find them. c) No one else has had the time or opportunity to put this magazine deep within this couch, which I have not even had for very long…. which leads me to the disturbing part….
If ‘I’ didn’t put this item there, if my 7 year-old son didn’t put it there, (which I can assure you he did not) and if no one else that has been in my home put it there….where did it come from??? I truly don’t think even the mess fairy is this creepy!
So where did it come from? The only option scares me… you see I got this couch from one of those Rent-To-Own places, it had been previously owned (rented) and I got a good deal….yeah well no wonder! It causes me some anxiety when I think about what else was in the couch that they found before it entered my home.
Maybe you think I am being a bit dramatic, I mean it is only a magazine right? Wrong! It was not only a magazine, it was the most graphic, disturbing, and obscene magazine I have ever seen in my entire life. (Yes I have seen a few, that’s how I know I don’t like them, I am a believer of ‘Don’t knock it till you try it’) What kind of creep owned this couch before me? That is all I could think about for days after I managed to pull myself together and retrieve the item from the depths of this now disgusting couch. Plunging my double gloved hand down the crack to yank it out… I thought to myself…’If i pull out any other questionable items, say a used condom, I will just lose it.’ But, No I did not find a used condom, in fact there was nothing else in the couch, other than the usual dust and food-like items. So with the magazine removed, and destroyed by fire, all was well…..
I just couldn’t do it, every time I sat on that couch I pictured that magazine in there…. What if there were creepy built-in cameras, and someone was watching me right now? What if there were still traces of the disturbing things this person clearly must have been doing on this couch?
So…. crazy, or not…I sold it, and bought a new-never-used couch from a big furniture store, where the young associate awkwardly assured me that I would not find any questionable items in their furniture.
and now finally all really is well…well as well as well is in this house!
Possibly, But Probably Un-Related Articles
- Never lose the remote again with this television-controlling pillow (geek.com)
- Clean House (pinkbananaworld.com)
- Cushions Anyone? (timesunion.com)