Something To Make You Smile


I came across this very amusing list while I was stumbling and I thought I would share it here….it put a smile on my face and I hope it does the same for you. The list comes from www.funlol.com/15926/Mature_people_truths.html 

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Super Stressful Shopping Season Solution


Day 277: Shopping Run

Image by crimsong19 via Flickr

I have tried to start Christmas shopping, I truly have tried. I have repeatedly travelled to the mall, Walmart, and various other stores with the intention of buying some much-needed gifts. I have not been procrastinating my shopping, I really am trying to get it done. It’s just that every time I step into one of these department stores I am overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers. I am overcome with the crowds, the commotion, and the drama of the busy aisles. I am blown away but the outright ignorance, coarseness, and utter insanity that shopping this time of year brings. I am not procrastinating, I just can not see to get it done….or even started for that matter.

It hurts me when I hear people say they are “almost done” their shopping, that they have “just a few more things to buy”….how are they doing it??? Is there some secret society that I don’t know about where the department stores are void of crowds and crazy people?? Where they always have exactly what you are looking for, at exactly the price you are willing to pay? How do I get in? I am willing to pay for a membership…. Is there a secret password or handshake I need to know? I promise I won’t tell anyone! (OK that’s a lie, secrets have never been my strong suit, but I wont tell everyone!)

I do really need to get started, with 25 days till the fat guy in the red suit breaks into my house while I am sleeping, I have a plan…..

First of all I must say…Thank God for Walmart! Thanks to the lovely marketing skills of the people at Walmart I can now do my shopping at 3 a.m. Thus avoiding the vast majority of holiday shoppers, crazy old ladies with out of control carts, and screaming 3 year olds in the toy aisle. I can enter a quiet world of a few tired shoppers, and carry on with my list as planned. Whoever it was at Walmart that said “hey we should stay open 24 hours a day before Christmas” seriously deserves a raise…in fact they deserve to be promoted to Vice President because they are genius… Walmart should ensure this person some comfort and job security because with this kind of intelligence they may very well go and open a store that could take over the world and knock Walmart out of the running…. seriously this person must be a parent. I could kiss them for such brilliant thinking. It almost makes me want to go to Walmart at 3 a.m. and buy them a gift!!!

The only other option I could come up with in my in-depth shopping solutions brainstorming session was online shopping. Shopping online can be a great way to save money and avoid the stress of holiday crowds, but personally it is just not for me. I buy the occasional item online, but I have the awful kind of luck that turns the perfect gift into an unusable item. Not only an unusable item, but an unusable item that is damaged, and late. It’s just the way it works for me.. with this luck I would probably purchase a great watch for my father and end up with a pink negligee that is 4 sizes too small, for either  me or my father, and two weeks too late for christmas! If you have better luck than I do, shopping online may be your answer! I think I’ll opt out of this one though, I really don’t think my father would appreciate lingerie for Christmas, no matter how cute it turned out to be.

Now keep in mind that 3 a.m. Walmart shopping also has its down side. Yes, i do get the luxury of avoid the crowds of crazy holiday shoppers, the long lines, and the screaming children. But 3 a.m. shopping holds its own kind of crazy. Instead of nasty old ladies with out of control carts I will instead get the pleasure of drunk old men with lonely lives, who just want to ‘talk’. I will find the less than apealing homeless, bored, or sleep deprived people who will follow behind me and scrutinize every item I put in my cart, until I whip around and ask in a not so tactful manner “WTF are you looking at?” There is also the lack of staff, so when I do locate the perfect gift for that special someone, and it happens to be on the very top shelf, at the very back of that shelf, there will be no nice sales boy anywhere in sight to get it down for me. Which means, chances are I will be scaling Walmart shelves at terrifying heights, under the influence of serious sleep deprivation, and probably numerous coffees, in order to reach this item myself. At which time I am sure that upon safely reaching the ground I will find that the item is in some way dysfunctional or devoid of required parts.

I am also sure that in my disillusioned 3 a.m. state I will completely convince myself that I must buy some item that I simply do not require. Although I wont have the overwhelming urge to just grab whatever I see and go with it, lack of sleep can play strange tricks on the mind. I am almost positive that I will end up with a ridiculous item that has no place in my cart simply because I have assured my over tired brain that it has some use in my life. Be it an automatic onion chopper, a massaging blanket, or a self-cleaning carrot peeler, I just know it is going to happen…I will try to prepare, but honestly I can not be held responsible for my purchases at such un-godly hours….thankfully Walmart has a very understanding return department….which is also open at 3 a.m.

And so this is the solution to my problem of holiday shopping, it may not be a fool-proof plan, but it’s a plan dammit and it is not procrastination…. I will get rested so that I can go out shopping tonight…. or maybe tomorrow….some night this week I will get it all done and then I can rest and relax like the others who are “done Christmas shopping” and ready to enjoy the season!

 

The Wost Pick-up Lines……


Red phone

Image via Wikipedia

OK we have all heard them, those bad, sad and lame lines that people use in an attempt to get a date. Here is my list of the worst pick-up lines ever, please note that these lines should never be used:

– Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cuz you’re the only ten I see.
– Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I fell in love.
– I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me?
– I am no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.
– Excuse me but did you clean your pants with Windex? ‘cuz I can see myself in them.
– I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
– Do you work for UPS? Cause I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
– When I first saw you I thought you were Gillette, ‘cuz your the best a man can get.
– Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven!
– I may not be Dairy Queen, but I’ll treat you right.
– There is something wrong with my cell phone, it doesn’t have your number in it!
– Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
– Is your name Summer? ‘cus you are HOT!
– Wow you look a lot like my future wife.
– Your Daddy must have been a thief, because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
– Nice outfit, it would look better on my floor.
– Do your feet hurt? ‘cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day!
– There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.
– Is it hot in here or is it just you?
– If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
– That shirt looks very becoming on you… of course if I were on you I’d be coming too!
– If I said you had a nice body would you hold it against me?
– Is there a mirror in your pocket, cus I can see myself in your pants
– Wanna sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up?
– Screw me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?
– Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
– I’m new in town can I get directions to your place?
– Do you sleep on your belly? Mind if I do?
– The word of the day is legs, what do you say we spread the word?
– Want to go get Pizza and a screw? What you don’t like Pizza?
– You know what would look good on you? Me!

OK this list could go on and on forever. The point is that these lines are lame, they are not going to work so stop using them. The most they are going to get you is a laugh, but if that is all you need to get started, feel free! They say a woman will marry a man who can make her laugh……

21…… With 7 Years Experience


Day 163 - Happy Birthday

Image by Christophe Verdier via Flickr

Well tomorrow is my birthday…I am officially 21 (with 7 years experience.) Am I excited??? No! Do I feel older??? Not really…I still feel the same as I did when I was 17, 19, 21 with -7 years experience….. a lot has happened over these last 28 21 years though…good and bad. I have learned many lessons, some harder than others. I have seen many things, cried many tears, and shared many laughs. I have had fun, had fear, and felt sadness…but I have survived, somewhat unharmed…well physically anyway!!! Here are some things that I have learned over the last 28… ahem…I mean 21 years;

  • Life is too short to worry about what others think. You will never please everyone, it is best to just please yourself.
  • Education is everything.
  • Saying “I don’t want children.” is not an effective form of birth control.
  • There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal out of your birthday, this time is age 11
  • Nobody is normal.
  • Even though you say “you don’t want children” once you have them you would never change that fact for anything!!!
  • You can not change another person, you can only control the way you react.
  • You should always fight for what you believe in, no matter how irrational that maybe.
  • You should always find a way to do what you love, even if it is only on a part-time basis.
  • Laughter really is the best medicine.
  • It is important that you always ask yourself…”Will this matter in a year?”
  • Parenting is not about perfection it is about love. The same goes for life and self-esteem!!
  • Although things may get bad, they will always get better.
  • Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, does not mean they don’t love you.
  • You can keep going long after you think you can’t go any longer.
  • You should always leave with loving words.
  • You can love someone and still not like them very much.
  • You have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give you the right to be cruel.
  • Your circumstances, and environment may impact you as a person, but they do not make you the person you are.
  • Each person we meet has something to teach us, if we just shut up and listen.
  • If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
  • Following your instinct is usually better than following your heart… your heart can lead you astray, your gut can not lie.
  • Acting without thinking can, and will, cause more heartache then necessary.
  • If you truly want something you have to work for it.
  • Take time to appreciate your children, or any children, they grow up so fast and quickly lose their innocence.
  • In life, no matter what path you choose to take, you will end up exactly where you need to be.
  • There will always be someone who can do something better than you, but that does not mean they can do everything.
  • There is never going to be a perfect time, or enough money.
  • Happiness truly is a state of mind.
  • It is best to bite your tongue. Mama was right, if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything.
  • Never let go of the joy of Christmas, it is the one link to your childhood that you can easily keep alive.
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously, no one else does.
  • Don’t let others opinion of you become your reality.
  • Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
  • A good friend is better than a psychiatrist.
  • I still have a lot to learn.

With all these lessons I still have much to learn, see, and try in my life. My only wish for this next chapter of my life is that I take time to enjoy it more often. Appreciate the little things. Have more laughter, and seek more happiness. I don’t aspire to do amazing things I can only hope to do things amazingly.  So as I blow out the candles on my imaginary cake tomorrow I will wish this…for happiness and simplicity, for love, joy, and more lessons along the way!

The Sweetest Things


This is my little devil angel……. Today was a long and Grumpy day for her, as you can see in the pictures she was in quite the mood..lol!

She is teething badly, has taken to not sleeping at night, and has recently been refusing to eat…which I am assured is directly connected to the teething! But she still has mostly happy days, and the occasional temper tantrum is usually bearable…. the lack of sleep just dramatizes it a lot more than I would like!

But I thought I would put a face to the name for all of you!! I love her to pieces!!!!

A Mess of Stress


Stress

Image via Wikipedia

It is amazing, the effect that stress has on the body, and mind. I would know. Life has been just a little bit stressful lately. With christmas fast approaching, my lack of quality budgeting skills, suddenly horrible memory, and my extreme disinterest in the holiday season all together this year…I am feeling miserable. Add to that a insane sweet little baby who no longer sleeps, a seven year-old who sleep walks, and a house that looks like an episode of Hoarders (OK I am exaggerating a bit there, but it is disorganized!) and I am about ready to check in to the local loony bin just for a break!

I don’t know what is causing my lack of interest in Christmas this year, I assume it is closely related to my above mentioned lack of budgeting skills, (which is in-turn related to my suddenly horrible memory) or if it the absence of a Christmas tree, decorations, and gifts….last year I got the brilliant idea in my head that I would just throw everything away and get a new tree and decorations this year, because “next year was going to be different, next year was going to be better. I would be making more money, I would be able to afford better things!” Well, that was a big pile of sh…..

Anyway needless to say I have to go buy these things now, and I am not in any better a position financially this year than I was last, in fact the only thing that has changed is that I now have two child to buy for…with the same amount of money! I am seriously considering a boycott…..I could easily explain how Santa had a horrible accident and he, along with all the reindeer have tragically perished…. but I guess I can’t really do that, it would probably be considered poor parenting on some level….. so I will just head to Walmart, bear the crowds, and hope for the best…

Which leads to another stressful thought….WTF is wrong with people in Walmart at this time of year???? It’s like they are insane. Old ladies are running you down with their carts, soccer moms are scrapping it out in the toy aisle over the latest intelligent novelty item on the market, children running wild, screaming, yelling, and throwing themselves on the ground in the middle of the department store. It is like a strange, dangerous obstacle course, or a jungle of wild chimpanzees…

I think Walmart creates this environment on purpose, it is probably some marketing scheme designed to drive you completely insane in the hopes that you will randomly grab things off the end displays, which are of course placed there to create higher sales brackets on those specific items, and book it for the exit at high speeds, only having to return on a later date and repeat the above process over, and over, because you have forgotten EVERYTHING you originally came in for in the first place.  (Or maybe that’s just me!) It just seems people get crazier this time of year, and shopping brings them all out of the woodwork at once.

Then there is my beautiful little devil angel, who has decided that sleep is a things of the past. She is teething, which of course doesn’t help, but that’s not even it…it is more that…. It like she thinks she is going to miss something. I swear she thinks there is a party going on after she is in bed. Never fails, at least twice a night she is awake and hyper…sometimes happy, but often lately very sad and sucky. And I love her to death, but I don’t want to see her 24 hours a day!!! So because of this lack of rest I am finding myself making bottles in my sleep, (I remember this happening with my son too, it’s scary if you think about it, what if I made it too hot and burnt her poor little mouth?) I wake up and find empty bottles that I don’t recall making at all. 

Then because of this erratic sleep pattern I am like a walking time bomb during the daytime hours. I think most people have decided they should just avoid talking to me for the time being until I can get this mess of stress sorted out, because with lack of sleep I am not the most pleasant person to be around. I admit it! I snap, yell, and have even been known to cry for no reason…once in awhile I even swear… *gasp*. I am not one of those people who thrive under pressure…at all!

Of course that could not be all there is not in my Soap Opera life, No, Of course not! There is my 7-year-old son who goes to bed perfectly fine, but awakens (well sort of) in the night walking around the house talking total nonsense! I often find him in the hallway, or the bathroom, talking about nothing, or crying about wha appears to be nothing… you ask him what’s wrong and you quickly realise that he is not exactly awake!! It is sad and creepy all at the same time, but mostly it is more frustration when I should be sleeping!!! He has had these little night terrors, as they are called, for as long as I can remember, and they used to be violent…he would scream and cry for hours at a time for no apparent reason…I am thankful that has passed, and they are only on occasion now, but it still creeps me out!

I don’t know if it all this that is driving me insane lately, or if I am maybe just a crazy person and I never knew it until now, but I find myself lost on a regular basis. I wander in circles wondering what I was doing, or what I was supposed to be doing. I lose things daily…and not just because I can not remember the last time I did a thorough cleaning, but because I apparently can not see things that are right in front of my face anymore. I will spend an hour looking for an item that is clearly out in the open for all to see.

I forget to pay bills, pick up items that are needed, or need to be done.  I write lists and forget the list at home. I truly feel like a chicken with my head cut off. The effects of such a high state of stress are endless;

  • When I do get a chance to sleep, I find myself awake at absurd hours for no reason at all.
  • If I remember to make dinner, I often forget to feed myself.
  • I walk in circles at least three times a day, with no clear indication of why I am even standing.
  • I cry sometimes, just out of the blue, usually over spilt milk…yeah, yeah, I know.
  • I am constantly snapping at people for no reason I can see, I am rude and mean at times.
  • I can not hold a normal conversation for an extended period, I lose my train of thought at the drop of a… hmmm….
  • I am tired all the time. Though as I said I can not sleep
  • I forget how to clean my house, I try, everyday.. I try, but the method of doing it has somehow escaped me.
  • I forget at least one important thing eachday…my sons lunch, my wallet, my house keys, my pants….
  • I feel like I have lost my mind….surely I must have…at least that is what I am claiming…I’m sorry! I can not be held responsible for my actions at the moment, I am crazy!

My only wish for Christmas this year???? That this all passes…Quickly and quietly. I want my bills paid, my daughter asleep, my house clean, my son firmly in his bed, my sanity intact, and a lot less stress in the New Year! That’s not too much for Santa to bring now is it???

A Sexual Revolution


Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

Image via Wikipedia

When does sex change????? At what point does it stop being the priority, and start being put on the back burner? Is it normal for sex to fizzle to a simmer in a long relationship?

I have been having a lot of conversations about sex recently…. I don’t now if I come across as an open-minded person, or if I have the look of a porn star, but people just talk to me about sex…all the time. Thankfully, I am very open and honest, and it is not an uncomfortable subject for me to discuss. Recently though I have heard a lot from people in relationships who are saying that they have a dismal, or non-existent sex life, and I wonder to myself if this is the norm?

I don’t live in a fantasy world, I know that after being together for many months, or even years, you can not expect to be sexually active every-single-day. I even understand that sex can turn into a routine item that people cross off their To-Do List. I am aware that sex can often lose it spontaneity, and excitement, but why?

For most people (women especially) sex is a sign of affection. We use sex to show that we care, love, and are attracted to our partner. We use sex to make ourselves feel attractive. We use sex as an outlet for stress, and an escape from the everyday life. Yet it seems to me that once a serious relationship is formed people forget what sex was about in the first place. They forget that in the beginning sex was an act between two people with the sole purpose of making each other feel good.

I fully blame television and movies for my beliefs, of course, but I think that a serious relationship should be different from the stories I have been hearing… I believe that the more comfortable you are with a person the better the sex should be….less frequently perhaps (if it must) but non-existent?

I don’t think I could allow my sex life to dwindle away, for me sex in a relationship is a sure-fire way to show my partner I appreciate them, and feel that appreciation in return. Maybe I am naïve, maybe it is because I have not had this type of relationship in my life, but I don’t think it is fair.

I honestly believe that more couples need to make the choice to have a healthy sexual relationship. When you are open about what you need sexually, you will likely be more open in all other aspects of your relationship as well. Sex is supposed to make you feel good, it is supposed to be enjoyable, it is supposed to be a way of sharing yourself with your partner in the deepest way possible. Not to say it has to be all romance and candle light…I know that sometimes the best sex is quick, rough and to the point…but that is the point.

Different moments call for different types of sexual affection, some moments call for none at all…the point is to express those moments, and be able to enjoy what you and your partner need. It is the one aspect in life where nothing should matter to you but yourselves. Not in the greedy sense, though there is nothing wrong with that on occasion, but in the sense that if you are feeling good yourself you are more likely to make your partner feel good in return.

Look back to the time when you could not get enough of each other and recreate that now, take time out to enjoy one another, to enjoy sex. Don’t let the lack of it take over, take charge of that and find new ways to enjoy, initiate, or appreciate sexual interactions with your partner. Afterall there was probably once a time when sex was a priority… why should it not be now. We all grow up, we gain responsibilities, have children, careers, and homes to tend to, but why does that mean that we can not tend to ourselves? Why does that mean that we can get down to the raw basics and enjoy the reason we wanted a relationship int he first place?…. besides companionship of course….

I guess it just scares me….. The thought that the one simplest, and most pleasurable ways, of showing someone you care about them gets tossed aside so easily. We are sexual creatures by nature, how do we so easily forget that?

More Procrastination


Mop and Buckets

Image by vagabond by nature via Flickr

I have been using a lot of fillers on my blog recently and I am feeling a little disappointed in myself. It’s not that I don’t want to write witty and humorous blogs about my family and daily life…it’s just that things around here just haven’t been interesting lately.

My little devil angel has taken to never sleeping, eating, or shutting up being calm. My 7-year-old has not been up to any trouble, and all I have been doing is sitting around, trying to stay sane keeping my cool and trying to keep things organized.

My house is a disaster zone, and I intend to clean it up and get it organized, I just don’t feel up to it lately, it’s a blip, it’ll pass.

It’s been FREEZING here, and inside my house is no warmer than outside, so I have spent a large amount of time huddled under a blanket trying to stay warm.

So that is why I have been slacking!!!

My To-Do List consists of:

  • Clean the house – kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms, carpets, floors, closets….
  • Do the Laundry – Lug all 8 loads to the laundry mat somehow, get them washed, dried, folded, lugged home and put away.
  • Sort the kids toys to get ready for christmas
  • Sort my old clothes get rid of what doesn’t fit
  • Go through the bookcase and dispose of any old books that i will never read again
  • Clean out the fridge
  • Organize the kitchen cupboards
  • Feed, bathe and care for the children daily
  • Figure out why this baby will not stop screaming
  • Go to the dentist
  • Got o the doctor
  • Write a witty and humorous blog

and so much more that I am sure I am forgetting……

So THAT is why I have been lacking in clever content lately…. feel free to come and tackle some of this list for me if you like…… Just look for the messy house, with the screaming children, and the crazy lady curled up in a blanket!!!

It’s Time to Call It a Night…..


Girls out

Image by Linas Justice via Flickr

Sometimes enough drinking is just enough drinking, here are a few signs that a girl should “call it a night“:

– You have no idea where your friends are
– You have no idea where you are
– You have no idea who the guy you are with is
– You have no idea where your car is
– You have no idea if you even brought a car
– You have become convinced that shaking your butt like Beyonce is the sexiest thing ever
– You honestly believe that you can beat somebody up and it seems like a good idea
– You are going to the bathroom every 10 minutes
– You are belting out 80’s tunes at the local karaoke club
– You are talking to your enemy, and telling her you should be friends
– You are considering peeing outside
– You have suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it
– You look more like a prostitute than a princess
– You have a sudden overwhelming urge to take off your clothing
– You are convinced that the bartender has not put alcohol in your drink
– You have removed your shoes so you can walk better
– You are calling your ex boyfriend
– You are hugging strangers
– You think it is a good idea to make-out with your best friend for $20
– You are ASKING men to buy you drinks
– You are looking for half full beers to drink
– The creepy guy in the corner suddenly seems so interesting and somewhat sexy
– You are crying and telling everyone that you love them
– You drop your 3 a.m. hot dog on the ground and consider picking it up and eating it
– You have less than 3 hours before work
– You are so tired you just sit on the floor, so what if it is the dance floor
– Your pillow feels a lot like the bathroom floor
– You believe that stripping and dancing on a pole is an honest way to make money
– You have a plan to make life easier, you will just sleep over at your guy friends house
– You have maxed out your credit card
– You cannot remember what you just said
– You are not making sense to anyone, even yourself
– You are dancing on a table
– You are checking out the much younger guy across the room
– You are still dancing after the music is stopped and the bar is closing
– You are fighting with the DJ to play Ricky Martin
– You are in a cab with a stranger
– You are covered in vomit

If you are experiencing any of the above listed symptoms it is best to just “call it a night” and save your self the embarrassment of the morning “where am I” wake up!

Possibly, But Probably Un-Related Article

How To Lose a Guy on the First Date


 You started out with high hopes of happily ever after, but the date has taken a wrong turn somewhere along the short road. Here are a few ways to ensure that you will never have to see this guy again. Try these out and you will have him running for the door…..

1. Talk about nothing but your ex, who did five years for manslaughter by the way!!

2. Inform your date of your not-so-safe past sexual history, explaining in detail the STD you got from what’s-his-name just last month.

3. Talk about yeast infections.

4. Explain that you can’t wait to get married. Describe in detail the 10, 000 dollar dress, the flowers, the food, and don’t forget the honeymoon in Bermuda.

5. Inform him that you want 10 children, and remind him that your biological clock is ticking.

6. Tell him that you think football and hockey should be banned from television because they are too violent… and just plain dumb.

7. Tell him you can’t wait for him to meet your parents. Then inform him that you father is a member of a very “friendly” biker gang.

8. Don’t forget to tell him how much you love expensive jewellery, and let him know that you don’t think women should work, at all!

9. Fart loudly, and as much as possible. Let out a few burps, and chew with your mouth wide open. Talk at an above average level as you speak of very private, and somewhat repulsive things.

10. Let him know that you are just “a little bit” addicted to crack.

Try one of these next time you are on a date and you find yourself counting dots on the ceiling, but beware that he doesn’t knock you over as he is running out the door.